5.07.2008

So Close to Seeing a Summer Blockbuster

Okay, so Iron Man is more of a Spring blockbuster. Nonetheless, I was giddy when Twisted Daughter asked if we could go see it last Sunday. I thought, "Holy crap! I'm going to get to see a movie only days after it opens." This never happens, thus Extreme Movie Night Reviews was born. So, instead of having to write a review after viewing 30 minutes of the DVD because it is late for return, I was going to review one of the hottest movies so far this year.

Iron Man Review
As some of you may know, I am a nerd. Not just any type of nerd, but a Comic Book Dork. I know, I know. It's hard to believe that I have spent an outrageous amount of time and money to read about the ultimate struggle between men in tights, masked villains with overactive Napoleon complexes and scantily clad, well-endowed bimbos. And out of the stacks and stacks of books one hero stood above all the others... Iron Man. I can't remember a time when I've ever said any superhero but Iron Man was my favorite. Anyone? Sure, I like Batman because he's dark and Superman because he's strong. But Iron Man is everything I need in a superhero. Tony Stark is a wealthy industrialist, which, no matter how you slice it, makes him a total dick. He didn't inherit his wealth like that pussy Bruce Wayne. Nope, he was a genius inventor who made a shit-ton of money by, most likely, exploiting his workers and building weapons. Thus, Iron Man is born, a crime fighting suit worn by a philandering douche. He even had that swinger moustache. Yes, Tony Stark is the perfect candidate for superhero-dom. Even now, Stan Lee's brilliance makes me smile.

Needless to say, I was amped to go see this movie and share my love of Iron Man with Twisted Daughter who has adopted many of my loves in her short life. Just like Asia's Heat of the Moment, I was sure TD would pick up on the magnitude of this amazing tidbit of pop culture. So, I tossed her in the car and drove to the AMC 30-Plex in Olathe for the matinée. During the drive, she kept making gunshot, explosion and jet noises in anticipation of seeing my hero zip across the screen and blow up as much shit as possible all in the name of justice. I should have been telling her it was bad to blow people up, but instead I cheered her on with loud shouts of "Are you READY!" To which she would scream, "YES! IRON MAN!" immediately followed by another rash of explosion noises. It was awesome.

We were about five minutes late when we pulled into the parking lot. But with previews, I figured we had another ten minutes before the movie started. So, we got tickets, popcorn and drinks as quickly as possible and ran to theater #7. The place was packed with kids and parents laughing and shouting through the first preview for Mike Meyer's upcoming movie, The Love Guru. TD and I found two seats on the aisle near the front which had a terribly distorted view of the screen, but I didn't care. This was going to be fun and I wasn't going to let awful seats spoil it. The second trailer was for The Dark Knight. TD quickly turned her head and started slurping her lemonade soas not to see Heath Ledger's Joker. Granted, it is pretty creepy. Before the third preview, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, could get rolling, TD leaned over and said, "I need to go to the potty." She had just gone at home, but I jumped out of my seat and shuffled her to the restroom.

Once she had exhausted her fake peeing, we started back to the theater. As soon as I pulled open the door, TD turned and said, "No, Daddy, I don't want to see Iron Man."

I was screaming in my head, but my heart wouldn't let me scream at TD. I turned and knelt down to be at her level and asked why. No answer. I asked if the Batman preview had scared her. No answer. I told her that we needed to go back into the theater or we were going to miss the movie.

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE IRON MAN! AAAAHHHH!" The high-pitched screaming echoed through the theater, caused dogs to bark in the distance and set off all the car alarms in the parking lot. It even got the twenty-something manager to get off his ass and come down to the door of theater #7.

"Sir, is there a problem?"

"No, she's just a little scared from the Batman trailer."

The manager smiled, "that one's awesome."

I asked TD again if we could go back into the theater for the movie. Quickly a second blast of high-pitched wailing that sounded like "No" rippled through the building. In the back of my head, I could see myself picking her up and trying Tom-and-Jerry-style to force her through the door. But I knew she would grab the door frame, go boneless or scream until I had no more fight in me. I was screwed. At this realization, I bent down to TD and in my most fatherly voice I said, "I'm very disappointed." She looked at the ground and acted as if she knew what disappointed meant.

As we walked out of the theater, me boiling and TD no longer scared, she looked at me and said, "Iron Man is a good movie for people who don't get scared during the previews." A most fitting review.

posted by Jim at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)

5.05.2008

Real Good Marketing: Really... I'm Not Obsessed

NOTE: This is a new recurring segment for twistedjim.com. Yes, I am actually going to start talking about the business I am in. Sorry, but it's time.

For the past year, when clients and colleagues ask what are my favorite brands or who has marketed their product better than anyone else, I point the finger at two entities. Can you guess? I'm sure some of you would say Apple because of my iPod fetish. Wrong! Maybe Starbucks because that's what everyone says. Nope. The two best brands have been [adult swim] and Nine Inch Nails.

With the whole Boston-Terrorist Marketing Plan, Metalocalypse and Candy Mountain Massacre, [adult swim] has taken cartoons to a whole new universe. These guys aren't just raising the bar, their holding it over everyone's heads and making them jump for it. Only to jerk it away when anyone gets close.

Trent Reznor has shown everyone in the music business that allowing people to remix your music in GarageBand, playing cryptic on and offline games with your fans and giving away your latest album is the secret to success.

These are just two companies that are doing it right in my opinion. They have realized that their fans are the absolute of their success and embraced them with both arms. By giving up the tight control of their industries, they have become the new model for business in the 21st century. Everyone else get in line.

posted by Jim at 10:17 PM | Comments (0)

4.30.2008

The Jack White Show... Sorry, That's The White Stripes

Last night I did what I said I would never do again... I went back to The Uptown Theater. I know it's been less than a month, back off! I realized after I bought my tickets to The Raconteurs that I was going back to the band slaughterhouse. I knew the sound was going to suck, and I went into the show being heartbroken because I was really looking forward to seeing this band.

The Raconteurs: The Uptown Theater 4/29/08
This show should have been the jewel in Twisted Wife's crown. For those of you that don't know the story, TW is always recommending bands to me. 9 times out of 10, I am lukewarm on her referrals, 50% of the time the bands simply suck. The White Stripes were no different. Despite the critical acclaim, I just couldn't bring myself to drink the Kool-Aid. I firmly believed this was an over-hyped band during a time when the music industry was grasping for any hope of survival in the rock genre. This was until one summer night at Starlight Theater when TW tricked me into attending The White Stripes show (she's pissed right now that I used the word "tricked"). Needless to say, I was sold after the first song. Jack White deserves the praise. He is an incredible musician. So, TW can honestly say that she turned me on to The White Stripes and Jack White.

Unfortunately, TW wasn't really excited about the show. Due to the lack of radio-play for The Raconteurs, she felt she didn't know any of their songs. And if TW can't sing along... she's not a very fun concert date (now she's even more pissed, that's two). Begrudgingly, she resigned herself to the idea that she was going to sit and watch me enjoy a band that I liked and she was lukewarm on.

NOTE: I'm going to start into the review here and I am not going to talk about the opening band, Birds of Avalon. Reason being, I didn't like them. They weren't bad enough to make fun of and they weren't good enough for me to review. Their music was fine... for someone else.

For this show, TW and I decided to mix it up. Instead of standing on the floor, we decided to relax a bit and find some seats in the balcony. I liked this arrangement, because, unlike the 19 year-old girls in the front row, I had no notions that Jack White was going to pull me up on stage a la Dancing in the Dark and dance with me. And it's a good thing. I'm a shitty dancer. One thing the balcony at The Uptown does afford concert-goers is enhanced crappy sound. There is absolutely no definition in the lower registers in this building. If you are a bass player at The Uptown, walk on stage, turn on your amp, slap the strings and take the night off. There is just a low humming in place of bass lines. It's awesome!

Fortunately for me (I'm over 30 and have a job), the band started playing early. I fully expected this to be similar to a White Stripes... er, The Jack White Show. Was I ever wrong. The Raconteurs are not a supergroup. They seem to leave the egos behind and play. And have fun doing it. You may be saying to yourself, "Isn't that what bands are supposed to do?" Yes, but more often than not, they don't. Especially, when one member of the band gets all the attention. It's a good thing the non-Jack White members of The Raconteurs (Brendan Benson, Patrick Keeler and Jack Lawrence) are all amazing musicians in their own right. Even when Jack starts to dominate the show, the others reel him back in to being nothing more than a lead guitarist and singer. It was very fun to watch the yo-yoing as Jack was constantly reminded that the four other people on stage were not Meg White. It's not very often I get to see five extremely talented musicians play for fun... or, at least act like that's what they're doing. It was inspiring.

Generally, I judge a show by how the band sounds and if they leave me with a renewed feeling of excitement about their music. This time the renewed feeling of excitement for songs like Blue Veins, Rich Kid Blues, You Don't Understand Me and Store Bought Bones far outweighed the sub-par sound of The Uptown Theater.

And after the show was over, I could see I'd returned the favor to TW.

posted by Jim at 7:12 AM | Comments (0)

4.23.2008

Conversations with a Four Year-Old: Bluetooth Headsets

I should have seen this one coming.

TD: Daddy what does that man have in his ear?
Me: It's a Bluetooth headset.
TD: He looks funny.
Me: That's not a nice thing to say. Don't stare.
TD: Why does he have a Bluetooth headset.
Me: Because he's talking on the phone.
TD: What? That's not a phone!
Me: Well, he's not talking to himself.
TD: How do you know?
Me: I'm sure he's a very important man making a very important call.
TD: How do you know?
Me: Because nobody wants to have some stupid piece of plastic hanging out of their ear unless they have to.
TD: Then why does that lady and that kid and that guy have Bluetooth headsets? Are they important too? Aren't you important, Daddy?
Me: No, I'm just naturally funny looking.

posted by Jim at 6:15 PM | Comments (0)

4.08.2008

Kansas = Disrespect

I'll admit, I'm a bandwagon sports fan. I like to watch sports every now and again, but only when the story is good. You know, like The Natural or Hoosiers. I root for the underdog. I believe in Cinderella teams. I want my team to win. I can't stand powerhouse dynasties in any sport. I will turn off the TV when the Yankees take the field, the Patriots snap the ball or Tiger picks up a club, unless they are about to break a record. I have a soft spot for watching history in the making. Generally, my March Madness subsides pretty quickly. But this year was my year. I watched Davidson knock off team after team until they met up with the team I just can't force myself to root against.

I hold a degree from the University of Kansas, now known nationwide as the NCAA Mens Basketball National Champions. And although I say that with a slight sense of pride, it doesn't make my degree any more valuable. And as I read the stories today, I realize last night's victory in the national limelight doesn't get Kansas any more respect. Instead of focusing on a phenomenal game, writers are not calling it a win for Kansas but instead a loss for Memphis. They melted down. It was their game to lose. Wah, wah, wah. That's okay, though. I've gotten used to sports writers being morons... oh, and living in Kansas.

Yes, Kansas livin' comes with many perks. The first of which is people automatically thinking you are a farmer and have livestock in and around your homestead. Or that my idea of a mansion is a double-wide trailer. Or, possibly my favorite, that I somehow know Dorothy and Toto. Although these are all completely true. I also understand how you town folk live (that's right, I said "town folk"). Y'all got them tiny million dollar closets you live in that need fifteen locks to protect you from all the terrorists and criminals, and you're rude to one another, and you all do drugs and drink martinis at clubs that you wait three hours and pay $1,000 to get into, and you like to say, "That's hot," or "fierce," or "fab."

See, now isn't that almost as stupid as thinking I know Dorothy or Toto?

posted by Jim at 11:01 PM | Comments (0)

4.03.2008

You Got No Fear of the Uptown Theater...

That's why it will not survive! Once again, I attend a concert at the Uptown Theater in downtown Kansas City. And, once again, the sound sucks. I'd rather see the best band in the world mixed by a blind chimp in a closet than go to a show at the Uptown ever again. Every sound man that visits mistakes this small theater for an arena and completely screws the great bands that play there. Last night the victim was Spoon. Beyond their technical problems onstage, their sound man turned them into a washed-out sonic nightmare of feedback, echo, hiss and static. I know how bad the sound at the Uptown can be. I've actually played there. My instinct says that Larry Sells, Uptown owner, decided to install a huge sound system in his small theater. Why do it right when you can do it big, right? After all, the real money in owning a historic building comes from renting it out for office parties, receptions and seminars... not concerts. Yet, good bands still play the Uptown, and I have been forced to go there. But after last night, no more!

Spoon: The Uptown Theater 4/2/08
I can honestly say that I was not an early fan of Spoon. Only three of their albums, Girls Can Tell, Gimme Fiction and their latest Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga, have left me anything more than lukewarm. For the longest time, Twisted Wife would say, "You want to go see Spoon? They're in Lawrence tonight." Of course, this question would come right after I was all comfortable on the couch watching The Bachelor. And we all know how Twisted Jim loves hisself some Bachelor!

Last night, I finally gave into the urge to go see Britt Daniel and company. If you know nothing about Spoon, know this. They are very good songwriters, and, thankfully, that cuts it for this band. They don't come out and put on a show, and they were a little bit off as musicians last night. I'll cut them a little bit of slack since they were playing at the Uptown (see above) and they were experiencing some technical difficulties. But all in all, this seemed like a tour warm-up show... not the "victory lap" it was billed as.

Enough of the bad, let's talk about the good. Comedian Greg Behrendt used to do a bit about rock shows for people over 30. His idea was that musicians should put on two shows at every venue. One for those under 30 that started at 9:00, has three opening bands and ends well after midnight. The other show would be for those of us over 30. It would start at 7:00, the headliner would come out and play their hits and everyone would be home before 10:00. The show last night was almost a perfect mixture, two mediocre opening bands, half the hits and I was home by 11:00. So close, but just short of perfect.

As for the songs, they played great renditions of The Underdog (sans horns), I Summon You, You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb, I Turn My Camera On, Lines in the Suit and The Fitted Shirt. They left out a few of my favorites like Believing is Art and The Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine but I haven't been to a show yet where the band played everything I wanted to hear. After sleeping on it, the show was good enough to receive two rock fingers... but I'll throw in the third because hometown hero Rob Pope is now on bass.

posted by Jim at 11:04 PM | Comments (0)

3.26.2008

The First Comic Strip That Doesn't Suck

Okay, I know I'm late to the game and there are many comic strips that don't suck. But garfield minus garfield is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. I would put this up just under Metalocalypse and The Boondocks. Enjoy!

posted by Jim at 11:47 PM | Comments (0)

3.25.2008

My Name is Jim... I'm an Internet Addict

Hi Jim! I am so going to get disability on this one. There's a growing movement to add Internet Addiction to psychiatry's official guidebook of mental disorders. Finally, doctors who understand me will be able to prescribe drugs to cure me. The best part is I won't have to fake being a sex addict anymore. I really thought that one would move faster and get me to "disabled" status more quickly. Nope. I think this Internet Addiciton-thing is going to be the ticket. I'm so excited, I think I'll Twitter.

posted by Jim at 11:37 PM | Comments (2)

3.24.2008

Old Men Scrambling for Loose Change

What do Billy Bragg, Paul McGuinness and Metallica have in common? They've all made a lot of money the old fashioned way... in the music business. Much like the fat and lazy music industry execs, these boys are pissed because the business model they've followed for their entire careers is falling apart thanks to technological innovation and they have no idea how to catch up. Welcome to the 21st century, gents!

So, instead of adapting to the shift in paradigm, these poor dinosaurs are bitching, moaning and blaming everyone in sight for their lack of business acumen. You heard me, these men that have made multi-million dollar careers in one of the most difficult and complex industries in existence cannot figure out how to make money on the Internet. Are they serious? I know all of these men employ marketing firms. U2, Billy Bragg, Metallica, they all have websites. Hmm, maybe they just haven't figured out that they have a marketable product. Wait a minute! Do they have a marketable product?

Let's face it. In the 21st century recorded music is no longer the product... the band is. The initial business model of the music industry was to use the recorded music as a promotional tool to get people to come to the shows. And any band worth a shit knows the shows are where the big, BIG money is made. I'm surprised that bands like Metallica haven't come out with their own music servers that pump free music directly into your iPods every time you plug it into charge (along with little ads for the shows in your area). Look, U2 had enough forethought to get their own iPod, but they want to blame the ISPs when people download their music for free. It makes no sense. They're blaming their fans when they half-assed their own marketing plan. And Billy, you've always been a cult sensation, inventive, innovative. But now you've decided to add lazy bitch to that list.

It's a shame that musicians are losing money due to an outdated business model. I firmly believe musicians deserve every penny they earn from their artistic endeavors. The unfortunate reality is they no longer want to earn their money. If you leave your music in the hands of record executives, you deserve to lose everything. True tycoons find new revenue streams and the Internet is completely uncharted territory. It's also the biggest and fastest distribution chain ever created. You'd think men that have made multi-million dollar careers in music would be up to the challenge.

posted by Jim at 6:31 PM | Comments (0)

3.23.2008

Out Damned Spot Part VII

With over 4,000 Americans dead, I saw an NBC news repport that quoted Dick (I'm as evil as Karl Rove) Cheney as saying King Georgie "bears the burden of this war more than anyone." Really! Really, Dick? If that's the case, maybe he should be a true Commander and Chief and stand on the front lines with the troops he so nonchalantly kills every day. Then, he may truly understand the burden of his war. It's insane that one man with so little sense is allowed to slaughter so many. And we continue to sit idly by (me included). Thanks for the tax incentive, though. It really pacifies me.

And now, the numbers:

American Casualties - 8,647
In Iraq (Military) - 4,001
In Iraq (Civilians) - 1,188
In Afghanistan (Military) - 484
During 9/11 - 2,974

Coalition Casualties - 307
Australia - 2
UK - 175
Bulgaria - 13
Czech - 1
Denmark - 7
Netherlands - 2
Estonia - 2
Fiji - 1
Hungary - 1
Italy - 33
Kazakhstan - 1
Korea - 1
Latvia - 3
Poland - 22
Romania - 3
El Salvador - 5
Slovakia - 4
Spain - 11
Thailand - 2
Ukraine - 18

Iraqi Casualties - 1,193,480

Twisted Wife thinks these numbers are inflated to get me more fired up about an unjust and treasonous war started by an inept President. She's probably right.

I said it before, I support the troops. I'd like to see a whole lot less of them coming home in body bags.

posted by Jim at 11:28 PM | Comments (0)