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5.07.2008So Close to Seeing a Summer Blockbuster
 Okay, so Iron Man is more of a Spring blockbuster. Nonetheless, I was giddy when Twisted Daughter asked if we could go see it last Sunday. I thought, "Holy crap! I'm going to get to see a movie only days after it opens." This never happens, thus Extreme Movie Night Reviews was born. So, instead of having to write a review after viewing 30 minutes of the DVD because it is late for return, I was going to review one of the hottest movies so far this year.Iron Man Review As some of you may know, I am a nerd. Not just any type of nerd, but a Comic Book Dork. I know, I know. It's hard to believe that I have spent an outrageous amount of time and money to read about the ultimate struggle between men in tights, masked villains with overactive Napoleon complexes and scantily clad, well-endowed bimbos. And out of the stacks and stacks of books one hero stood above all the others... Iron Man. I can't remember a time when I've ever said any superhero but Iron Man was my favorite. Anyone? Sure, I like Batman because he's dark and Superman because he's strong. But Iron Man is everything I need in a superhero. Tony Stark is a wealthy industrialist, which, no matter how you slice it, makes him a total dick. He didn't inherit his wealth like that pussy Bruce Wayne. Nope, he was a genius inventor who made a shit-ton of money by, most likely, exploiting his workers and building weapons. Thus, Iron Man is born, a crime fighting suit worn by a philandering douche. He even had that swinger moustache. Yes, Tony Stark is the perfect candidate for superhero-dom. Even now, Stan Lee's brilliance makes me smile. Needless to say, I was amped to go see this movie and share my love of Iron Man with Twisted Daughter who has adopted many of my loves in her short life. Just like Asia's Heat of the Moment, I was sure TD would pick up on the magnitude of this amazing tidbit of pop culture. So, I tossed her in the car and drove to the AMC 30-Plex in Olathe for the matinée. During the drive, she kept making gunshot, explosion and jet noises in anticipation of seeing my hero zip across the screen and blow up as much shit as possible all in the name of justice. I should have been telling her it was bad to blow people up, but instead I cheered her on with loud shouts of "Are you READY!" To which she would scream, "YES! IRON MAN!" immediately followed by another rash of explosion noises. It was awesome. We were about five minutes late when we pulled into the parking lot. But with previews, I figured we had another ten minutes before the movie started. So, we got tickets, popcorn and drinks as quickly as possible and ran to theater #7. The place was packed with kids and parents laughing and shouting through the first preview for Mike Meyer's upcoming movie, The Love Guru. TD and I found two seats on the aisle near the front which had a terribly distorted view of the screen, but I didn't care. This was going to be fun and I wasn't going to let awful seats spoil it. The second trailer was for The Dark Knight. TD quickly turned her head and started slurping her lemonade soas not to see Heath Ledger's Joker. Granted, it is pretty creepy. Before the third preview, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, could get rolling, TD leaned over and said, "I need to go to the potty." She had just gone at home, but I jumped out of my seat and shuffled her to the restroom. Once she had exhausted her fake peeing, we started back to the theater. As soon as I pulled open the door, TD turned and said, "No, Daddy, I don't want to see Iron Man." I was screaming in my head, but my heart wouldn't let me scream at TD. I turned and knelt down to be at her level and asked why. No answer. I asked if the Batman preview had scared her. No answer. I told her that we needed to go back into the theater or we were going to miss the movie. "I DON'T WANT TO SEE IRON MAN! AAAAHHHH!" The high-pitched screaming echoed through the theater, caused dogs to bark in the distance and set off all the car alarms in the parking lot. It even got the twenty-something manager to get off his ass and come down to the door of theater #7. "Sir, is there a problem?" "No, she's just a little scared from the Batman trailer." The manager smiled, "that one's awesome." I asked TD again if we could go back into the theater for the movie. Quickly a second blast of high-pitched wailing that sounded like "No" rippled through the building. In the back of my head, I could see myself picking her up and trying Tom-and-Jerry-style to force her through the door. But I knew she would grab the door frame, go boneless or scream until I had no more fight in me. I was screwed. At this realization, I bent down to TD and in my most fatherly voice I said, "I'm very disappointed." She looked at the ground and acted as if she knew what disappointed meant. As we walked out of the theater, me boiling and TD no longer scared, she looked at me and said, "Iron Man is a good movie for people who don't get scared during the previews." A most fitting review.
posted by Jim at 10:50 PM
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