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It was colder than normal on the east side of Hell,
And no one in town was feeling that well.
No one had a plan, no one had a clue.
Even Satan had nothing to do.
All the damned sat, and all of them waited,
Some got so bored that they masturbated.
Finally, Satan stood with a glint in his eye
And declared to them all, “Today, the parents must die!”
The damned jumped up with screams of “hooray!”
While the demons set out to lead the children astray.
For it was the plan of the people of Hell
For the children to carry out the parental farewell.
So the demons set out to criss-cross the nation
And secretly give all the kids motivation
To gruesomely murder every parent in sight
And to get the job done in the span of one night.
The children awoke and started the carnage–
Stabbings, shootings, or weird acts of bondage.
Little Billy hit his mom with his new baseball bat
While in the fire burned Dad’s last chunk of fat.
Some parents slept dreaming of sex
As their children tied nooses around their fat necks.
Around the world there were blood-stained bedclothes
And children with knives sneaking ’round on their tiptoes.
The blood-curdling screams of terror and pain
Suddenly silenced with the last parent slain.
In Hell, Satan laughed and danced all around,
Told dirty jokes, and generally clowned–
Until from the crowd stepped a small demon child,
His face all distorted and eyes running wild.
He looked to the Prince, his voice started to shake.
“Excuse me, sir, now there’s no souls to take.”
“For the ones who are murdered go straight up to heaven,
And children can’t sin not until they’re eleven.”
Satan’s eyes exploded in a raging fire,
And the demon child was quickly bound in barb wire.
Satan fell back on his throne and sighed.
How could it be that he claimed no one who’d died?
What would happen to him and his kingdom?
Would everyone move or die from the boredom?
After that night, all the damned moved away.
They went into the world, and some people say
That they had to find jobs among the common folk.
All because of a night when the children awoke
And murdered their parents at the Devil’s request,
Making sure that their souls would all be blessed.
Now Satan sits on the east side of Hell
And with a small razor bids the emptiness farewell.
-Thanks for the inspiration, Drue