3.28.2007

Marketing to Children 101

As most of you know, my day job is in Marketing. Not the creative side as some of you might think (that's me being presumptuous), but the more reviled side. I am in ACCOUNT SERVICE! (Insert thunder and ominous laughter here.) I help develop strategies to increase my clients' share of wallet or, even more despicable, mind share! Some days it makes me feel like the arch-villian's lackey aiding in their quest for world domination, and others it makes me feel dirty like a lap dance from a toothless, fat stripper.

To be perfectly honest, I'm more of a couch-potato marketer, Cable TV and Fast Food. Honestly, all I need to market now is the couch and I will have completed the trifecta. Even with this pedigree, there are a few people below me on the ladder to hell... drug dealers... people who market to children... drug dealers who market to children. That's right, drug dealers are marketing to children with new and improved... FLAVORED METH!

Tired of that shitty meth taste? Now meth comes in strawberry, chocolate, and cola flavors with cool action street names like Strawberry Quick. Flavored Meth is not just for the snorter in your life, either. The young kids will be all over the exciting flavors made just for them, like Fruity Tooty and Super Fudge-Up. Now all they need is a cartoon character mascot, like Sniffy the Toothless Cat, for the ads and street teams and this campaign will generate more revenue than, well... regular meth.

posted by Jim at 6:25 PM | Comments (0)

3.20.2007

Good Morning Sports Racers

If you never watched The Show, then you weren't listening to me for the past year and you missed out on the best thing on the intertube from March 17, 2006 - March 17, 2007. The archives are still up if you want to catch up.

Thanks, Ze. Keep on thinking so I don't have to.

posted by Jim at 10:22 PM | Comments (0)

3.19.2007

I'm a Quitter

NOTE: Press play before you start reading. Thank you.

A month or two ago, I decided I didn't have enough time for politics. I spent many sleepless nights considering the options for the Twisted Jim for President campaign. Should I pull out? Should I stay in? Then I realized I was thinking about sex, not politics at all. It was a very confusing time.

More recently, I've been feeling sorry for the President. I remembered times when my parents would say, "sometimes you're guilty by association." I always hated when they said that. I felt like they were saying my friends were corrupt bums... and they were (on both counts). I think this may be George's problem. He hangs out with Satan (Karl Rove to his friends) and expects not to get burned every now and again.

The most amazing part is, we nearly impeached our last President for getting a blow job in the White House and lying about it because the girl wasn't attractive (if that's a crime, 97.2% of men are guilty). But King George and Satan have gotten away with slaughtering thousands of young Americans in the Middle East, lying repeatedly to the American public, firing U.S. attorneys for no other reason than they disagreed with them, endangering our intelligence community by leaking the identity of undercover agents, and essentially running a corrupt, mafia-style government that the Corleone's or Soprano's would envy. And what happens to these treasonous men, these men that have betrayed the United States and everything it stands for? Nothing. They get to continue fucking up this country while we bend over and take it.

My slogan, "It couldn't get any worse," started as a joke. But instead of getting fed up with the Paris Hilton mentality of our elected officials, as a country we have embraced it. Some of us have backed this dying elephant so long we don't know what else to do, and others of us are just trying to shake the eight-year jackass image. That's why today I realize that it can, and most likely will, get much worse.

For this reason, I am pulling out of the 2008 race for the Presidency of the United States of America.

I appreciate all the support everyone's given over the past year or so since I announced my bid. It has been amazing. Since none of you donated any money, I don't feel that bad. But I want you all to know that I will continue my fight for a better country, for a day when I can say without reservation, "It couldn't get any worse!"

Goodnight, and God Bless America!

posted by Jim at 11:31 PM | Comments (0)

3.13.2007

Selling My Inner Nerd

Not but a few years ago, I was embracing my inner doofus and became an avid collector of comic books and action figures (yes, they are action figures, not dolls!). To my wife and bank's dismay, I amassed quite the collection. For all those that visited Twisted Manor and were invited into the Twisted Cave, you know how big the collection became. Well, now that I have extra mouths to feed and my second shot at puberty has ended as miserably as my first, I am selling off my collection on eBay. The first three auctions include some great pieces, Popeye, Totured Souls (both sets) and Spawn Interlink 6. if you know what these are, you are a bastion of dorkitude and deserve to have these in your collection.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I will be selling the rest of my collection. If you have witnessed the total awesomeness of the collection and wish to add one of my pieces to yours, please let me know and I will send you my fire-sale price. As soon as the figures are gone, comics will be on the block. I really want them all to go to a good home. Anyone want my D&D dice set? Just kidding. It's not for sale.

posted by Jim at 6:27 PM | Comments (0)

3.12.2007

The Right Good Question

Jeremy Fletcher asks, "Jim, I've noticed your daily Good Question kind of sputtered out. Has the joke stopped being funny?"

Yes. Thanks for noticing. It only took you five days.

Good Question #9
Is Jeremy Fletcher the only observant Twisted Jim reader?

I'd like to thank the good people at NBC Action News for putting up with my 9 Good Questions (that's right, I emailed all of them... even #9).

To be honest, the joke stopped being funny after Good Question #2. Anyway, look out for the rest of Aeronausiphobia coming soon.

posted by Jim at 11:27 PM | Comments (0)

3.07.2007

As Good Question As It Gets

I watched the latest installment of Good Question on NBC Action News. And needless to say, I was a little bit disappointed that they didn't choose one of my questions. Instead, they went with What's a take out tax? Riveting.

Good Question #8
Why doesn't Kansas City embrace the whole Wizard of Oz thing? I mean, why aren't there funny shirts in our airport gift stores that say funny stuff like, "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," or possibly an entire theme park based on the movie? I'm guessing it's those jerks in Missouri.

posted by Jim at 11:08 PM | Comments (0)

3.05.2007

Searching for Mr. Good Question

I generally hate professional sports. I think paying athletes billions of dollars to play games that they supposedly love is a bit fucked up. Let's call 'em like we see 'em, they're entertainers... nothing more. Which leads us to today's Good Question.

Good Question #7
If we promise to become a rat-infested shithole like Pittsburgh, do you think it will help the Penguins make the decision to move to Kansas City? I promise to do my part.

posted by Jim at 10:42 PM | Comments (4)

3.04.2007

Catching Up with Good Question

Sorry folks, I was too busy living my first life this weekend to even think about my second life. Needless to say, I drank cheap at my favorite rock club in the world, and ran into my past in Lawrence on Saturday. So, I'm catching up with the intern over at KSHB’s Good Question Central today (when this joke gets old, I'm sending the kid a t-shirt for putting up with me).

Friday's Good Question
I understand that Kansas City has quite the art and music scene (at least that's what the artists and musicians in town tell me as they get on the bus headed for Austin, TX). If this is the case why aren't there more arrogant, talent-less hacks that rocket to national acclaim from the area?

Saturday's Good Question
I watch A LOT of cartoons with my kids. I find that it has been a common practice since the '30s and '40s to pepper the cartoons with jokes and gags that only adults will understand. Do cartoon makers not understand that parents are at the mercy of their children and are forced to watch cartoons? Why bother trying to entertain adults? Or might this make them more likely to get their litter of fat, pasty ankle biters off the couch and out into the sunlight?

Sunday's Good Question
I miss God. Where did He go?

posted by Jim at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)

3.01.2007

Episode III - Revenge of the Good Question

Ahh, thought of this little beauty during the commute. Enjoy!

Good Question#3
While driving in Kansas City I noticed that many people are blind. They do not seem to see all the people suffering in the grid-lock of morning traffic and feel they deserve to be in the front of the line ahead of everyone else that is waiting. Due to the selfish and inconsiderate nature of these actions, I could only conclude there are a lot of blind drivers in Kansas City. How does KSDOT and MODOT get away with issuing licenses to blind people?

posted by Jim at 9:09 PM | Comments (0)