8.29.2007

Alien Abortion: The Aftermath

The alien has been ripped from my body and I am at home recovering. I really appreciate all the sympathetic emails I have been receiving. You really know how to make a guy feel loved after making the hard decision to part with his alien baby. I'll admit it has been tough.

WARNING: I am about to describe some pretty graphic details of my ordeal. If you are in the least bit squeamish, STOP READING HERE!

The procedure was something I hope I never have to endure again. I was under local anesthetic. So, I could hear this awful cutting sound as they removed what Twisted Wife and I are referring to as "Lumpy." Halfway through the procedure the doctor stopped calling it a Lipoma and told me it was a cyst. I still believe it was an alien. My proof came shortly before he made the final cuts to release it from my body when he made the comment that he had never seen a cyst this size, it was roughly the size of a tennis ball. His nurse didn't help. She called it an alien on at least two occasions. Unfortunately for them, they did not follow regular government conspiracy procedure and allowed me to take pictures of the alien fetus.

WARNING: The picture of the alien fetus is really, really gross. TW said it was in poor taste to put it up for everyone to see, but I feel the public has the right to see what the aliens are implanting in our bodies. Please, if you have a weak stomach, DO NOT VIEW THE PICTURE! YOU CANNOT UNSEE THIS IMAGE!

All in all, I have learned something from this experience. If you find a lump on your body, get it checked out and removed before it gets to the size of a tennis ball. The pain involved in having something this size cut out of your back can only be described as excruciating. I can't sleep and everything from my shoulders to my ass is sore.

posted by Jim at 11:31 PM | Comments (3)

8.27.2007

Countdown to the Alien Abortion

Tomorrow morning, my wife will drop me off at "the clinic" to get rid of my unwanted alien child. I have to say, I'm a bit nervous about the procedure. Sure, this isn't one of those back-alley alien abortions, but you never know what could go wrong. Maybe, this thing has already latched on to my vital organs or possibly the aliens implanted more than one alien baby inside me. Who knows, maybe I'm the incubator for an entire alien race? Right now, the doctor is planning on keeping me awake for the procedure. I just don't want get half-way through to hear the screams of everyone in the room getting eaten by some slimey, voracious alien killing machines.

The worst part about this is everytime I warn him about the dangers, my doctor keeps telling me this is a simple lipoma excision. I want to believe him, but I just can't shake the feeling something awful lurks under my skin. I hope I'm wrong. I hope this horrible lump is an overflow of Midichlorians. But it's not likely since I am way too old to start the training.

posted by Jim at 7:23 AM | Comments (0)

Run, Cronies, Run

It looks like the man who can't recall if he woke up this morning, Alberto "Speedy" Gonzales, has resigned. First Rove, now Speedy? Who's next? Condi? This sucks. Without his "crack team" of decision-makers and fall guys, how's King George going to function. I'll tell you how... he'll go on vacation. Mark my words, he'll be "at the ranch" by the end of the week.

posted by Jim at 7:03 AM | Comments (0)

8.26.2007

Alien Abortion

After 12 years of incubation, I have decided to abort the alien fetus that has been growing in my back. I know most of you are Pro-Alien Lifers, but it's been 12 years! Do that disgusting alien birthing process already! Honestly, my body just can't sustain me and my Kuato anymore. So, this Tuesday Twisted Jim will be making a rare appearance at the Minor Surgery Operating Room to part with my Twisted Alien Son or Daughter (I never found out at the sonogram).

If you haven't guessed, I am Pro-Choice. It's my body. I think I should be able to decide if I should have to carry an alien baby. It would have been one thing had it been a normal human 9-month gestation period, but 12 years! And, from what I've been told, this is equivalent to the first trimester. Sorry, Twisted Son and Daughter you will not be having an alien sibling. No matter how cool it might have been!

I can only imagine playing ball in the park, abducting country bumpkins and the numerous anal probes. Oh, the anal probes we would have done! But I just can't do it. It's not fair to bring another alien into the world with so much alien prejudice. It would have probably ended up addicted to Meth or working in the porn industry anyway.

posted by Jim at 4:44 PM | Comments (0)

8.14.2007

Intelligent Design, Really Intelligent

Finally, a proper explanation of Intelligent Design. Dr. Nick ("Hi, everybody") has a theory that in the future humans create a supercomputer that simulates real life and we are all just avatars in this simulation. I'm guessing it's called something like... oh, I don't know... Second Life 5.0. Although Dr. Nick outlines various scenarios that all assume the future humans, or posthumans, are these super-intelligent beings, I beg to differ.

I think we've already built the supercomputer and the simulation. As we devolve, this simulation we live in is devolving. How else do you explain global warming, the Bush administration, the war in Iraq, taxes, YouTube, the Internet... the list goes on and on.

Oh, oh, oh... maybe the simulation is being run over and over again, like in WarGames, to teach the posthumans that human nature can only destroy itself. Did I just blow your mind? And I'm not even stoned.

posted by Jim at 8:13 PM | Comments (0)

8.13.2007

Satan Has Left the White House

Before he could add treason to his resume, Karl Rove has decided to leave the White House. I don't get it. Why now? Is this a sign of our impending doom, or was the smartest man in the room tired of being around a bunch of idiots?

Poor Karl, he must have felt exactly like the Careerbuilder guy in the room of monkeys for the last six years. I, for one, think this is going to make the next year awesome. Did you like how Alberto couldn't answer a single question from the Senate committee? Expect a lot more of that in the near future. With Karl gone, we are going to find out just how retarded our leaders are. When they no longer have Karl's talking points, I have a feeling they will revert back to their animal instincts. Bring on the press conference shit-flinging!

I know it sounds like I'm a flip-flopping liberal. As Karl leaves, I act all sad for him. Truth is, I still think he is the devil. Actually, he rounds out my top five most evil people in the world:

5. Sam Brownback
4. Kim Jong-il
3. Osama bin Laden
2. Satan
1. Karl Rove

Okay, so that's a bit much (wink, wink). Really I don't think Karl is any more evil than say... Bill Gates. I'm sure they were both picked on in school and, at some point, both uttered the phrase from inside a locker, "I'll show them when I'm the most powerful man in the world!"

posted by Jim at 6:20 PM | Comments (0)

8.08.2007

5 Years Later

Five years ago, this bright-eyed kid started a website and today he has built it into a blog, online film fest, podcast and social media marketing empire. Okay, maybe "empire" is a bit strong. And I guess to officially be in marketing you need a product. I guess it's really just a blog, podcast and film fest. Hmm... now that I think about it, the film fest has been more of a place to put my home movies. So, it's just a blog and podcast. But the podcast ended a while back. Just a blog, then. Yeah, um, I don't really post consistently. So, calling it a blog makes it sound like something I update. It is, however, a website!

Who am I kidding? This has been a complete waste of time for five years. Damnit! The Last Alien could have been finished by now. But no, I had to write posts for my blog. Man, I thought having a blog, online film fest and podcast would make me famous (at least to the three or four people that read this thing, thanks guys). Man, I'm such an idiot! And I just renewed the domain through 2012! I'm screwed.

posted by Jim at 6:26 PM | Comments (0)

8.07.2007

Everyone's Secrets on Display

If you haven't checked out The Borken Brick Group's show, Secrets and Misinformation at the Hilliard Gallery, you are not alone. Unfortunately, you have made a grave mistake. Yes, I am a member of The Broken Brick Group. But I'm a writer, which means I have nothing hanging at the Hilliard. And thus, no stake in the show after the opening. Granted, you missed Twisted Jim doing what he does best, reading new material. But I also handed out even newer material, along with some ultra cool twistedjim.com gear (all the kids will be making fun of you when you go back to school without it). Even though I won't be there, you still have a chance to see the amazing artwork at one of Kansas City's best galleries.

Secrets and Misinformation Review
Since no one else has the rocks to review this show, I guess I'll do it. And since I suck at being an art critic (I can't seem to remember titles but can describe the piece), you will have to deal with this half-assed review.

The opening on August 3rd was scarred with bizarre weather, guest profiling and unusual comments from a prospective stripper. Since I work downtown, mere blocks from the gallery, Twisted Wife decided she would pick me up at my office, have a quick dinner and then drive over to the gallery. About an hour before she showed up, it started pouring rain in the Crossroads. This was a very bad sign. First Friday is generally an outdoor event. People stroll from gallery to gallery acting as if they are interested in art. For me, it's an opportunity to look as if I have some sophistication (beyond being able to spell it). So, rain tends to kill the event. While we ate, I sat with my back to the windows constantly asking TW if the rain had stopped. It was the most exciting dinner conversation we'd had in months.

As soon as our food arrived, TW announced that the drips coming off the awnings had stopped. I let out a small sigh of relief, but was not convinced this would bring the crowd we needed for the show. The night before TW and I had stayed up late putting together the mulitple sample chapters of The Last Alien I was planning to hand out at the show along with custom twistedjim.com lighters/bottle openers (trust me, you read that right) and I was not excited about the prospect of returning home with 100 copies of Chapter 7. My fear of reading to an empty gallery led me to drink a few at dinner. And by the time the check arrived, it was clear that the rain was over and people were still coming out for First Friday.

When we arrived at The Hilliard Gallery, I walked around and took a quick look at what the group was showing. I was immediately struck that each artist had a stand-out piece:

Charles Ray - Charles' work is stunning. He uses oxidation to create very interesting pieces. His work has that certain quality where it could hang anywhere and accentuate any collection. It is edgy without being offensive. His stand-out piece for this show was different than any other piece I'd seen. It was a small wooden pedestal with a doorknob attached to what looked like a metal house. The pedestal had an ornate porcelain-eye push button that turned on a light inside the metal house. Guests were instructed to look through the keyhole and press the "all-seeing eye." Cool thing, some people saw nothing and others saw...

Josh Motsinger - Josh does a lot of pieces created from discarded windows. I describe his work as A-ha. It is extremely playful without being silly. His stand-out piece was to be no different. On the south wall of the gallery was an unassuming window with what can only be described as Grandma Curtains, cute yellow curtains with one giant daisy on each panel. Guests were encouraged to open the curtains to find the secret. Let's just say I could have sat and watched people open those curtains all night long.

Tate Owens - Tate likes books. He recycles the innards and makes thought-provoking pieces out of the covers. TW had her eye on a couple of Tate's pieces to add to our collection. But with all major art purchases, she needed some time to think it over. Since our tastes in everything generally differ, I found Tate's stand-out piece to be a rather drab blue book entitled UFO's Explained sitting on small ledge on the gallery's south wall. Yes, when you open the book UFO's are explained.

Tyson Schroeder - I generally have no shortage of things to say about Tyson. I am a strong supporter of his work, which makes me even less qualified to critique it. He showed a ton of new pieces and, to be honest, I didn't have a chance to look at all of them. Unlike the other stand-out pieces, there was no surprise to my favorite of Tyson's offerings. It was a simple watercolor of what I imagined was a mausoleum. And what could possibly hold more secrets than a mausoleum?

When you boil this show down to the bone, it's an incredible show with a lot of smart pieces combined around one simple theme. And that is the first half of what The Broken Brick Group is supposed to be about. The other half is shameless self-promotion. And for all my proclamations of being "the writer" of the group, it turns out that on opening night I was merely the barker, engaging the crowd and handing out trinkets hoping our guests would immerse themselves in the secrets at the Hilliard Gallery.

The Broken Brick Group presents
Secrets and Misinformation
The Hilliard Gallery
404 E. 18th Street
Kansas City, MO 64108
hilliardgallery.com

Okay, so I didn't write about the guest profiling or the stripper comments. If you really want to know those secrets you can ask me in the comments and maybe I'll update you.