11.29.2007

Conversations with a Four Year-Old: Job Jumping

In the interest of adding new recurring posts to Twistedjim.com, I've decided I will talk to Twisted Daughter about what is going on in my life. I've been told that being honest and opening the lines of communication in early childhood development will help when the child becomes a teenager, hates your guts and won't speak to you. So, the experiment starts...

TD: Daddy, what's job jumping? Is that when you get a job jumping rope?
Me: Sorry, honey. People don't get paid for jumping rope unless they do it naked in the back room of a sleazy fetish club. Job jumping is when you have 5 jobs in 7 years.
TD: Are you a job jumper, Daddy?
Me: No, I'm just part of the "new" business culture that encourages workers to find the best opportunities as often as possible.
TD: Isn't that the same thing?
Me: No, not if you want Zoingo Boingo for Christmas.
TD: Congratulations on your new job, Daddy.

posted by Jim at 11:36 PM | Comments (1)

11.19.2007

The Bachelor... My Hero

I'm guilty! I love The Bachelor. This isn't a surprise to most of you. I love any show where women show off their strong, independent side by falling in love in three weeks for my TV viewing pleasure. I don't care if your Bret Michaels, this is no way to find a lasting relationship. That is, unless you are Ryan and Trista.

Honestly, I revel in the misery of anyone who cries over someone they fell in love with "as soon as I got out of the limo." It's absolutely awesome watching 25 women bawl for no reason whatsoever. It's like a Springer fight. Yes, I said it... a Springer fight. And if you're involved in a Springer fight, you are just as pitiful as a Bachelor contestant.

Tonight on the finale of The Bachelor, my new hero, Brad, officially made all 25 women cry. He DID NOT get engaged like he was supposed to. I am the happiest reality show watcher in the ever-so-short history of reality TV. This was almost as good as Rock of Love. What's next? The winner of Survivor gets to shoot Jeff Probst?

posted by Jim at 11:07 PM | Comments (0)

11.06.2007

Out Damned Spot - Part VI

It's been a long time since I've shown my distaste for the war. I guess I became numb to the fact that King Georgie is still sending the younger generation to the slaughter in the Middle East. But it's not just the despicable behavior of our Criminal and Chief. The other night I was in a local convenience store and the counter jockey, an obvious GED graduate, was discussing the Marines with the lanky kid in front of me in line. This kid couldn't have been more than 19, but he was a Marine that had returned home in between tours in Iraq. As I walked up, he was doing a little bit of recruiting for Uncle Sam letting the cashier know exactly what the Marines could do for him. He fed that kid a very interesting line.

"The Marines will make you strong, they'll teach you how to kick the shit out of anyone that fucks with you. Someone comes into this store with a gun, the Marines'll teach you how to rip their fuckin' arm off and feed it to them. And in the mean time, they'll let you shoot a whole bunch of kids in Iraq."

Yes, that was the actual conversation.

Like you, I was not only appalled that they are using Iraqi children for target practice, but this guy assumed that the kid would come back from the war to his shitty job as a convenience store cashier.

And now, the numbers:

American Casualties - 8,470
Iraq - 3,857
Iraq (Civilians) - 1,180
Afghanistan - 459
9/11 - 2,974

Coalition Casualties - 304
Australia - 2
UK - 172
Bulgaria - 13
Czech - 1
Denmark - 7
Netherlands - 2
Estonia - 2
Fiji - 1
Hungary - 1
Italy - 33
Kazakhstan - 1
Korea - 1
Latvia - 3
Poland - 22
Romania - 3
El Salvador - 5
Slovakia - 4
Spain - 11
Thailand - 2
Ukraine - 18

Iraqi Casualties - 1,102,800

Maybe it's just me, but does anyone really think that 8,470 Americans and 1,103,104 people from other countries should be dead due to ego and greed? And these people are dead before the inevitable civil war that will take place after Americans finally get the hell out of the Middle East.

Don't misunderstand, I support the troops. I'd like to see a whole lot less of them coming home in body bags.

posted by Jim at 2:06 PM | Comments (0)

11.05.2007

First Rule of Book Club, Don't Talk About Book Club

I was invited to my first book club... and, yes, I did have to fight my first night. In their ultimate wisdom, a group of friends decided to read He Kept to Himself, Mostly for their book club. Then, in another stroke of genius (ever so close to insanity), they invited me to come answer their questions. I'm sure Twisted Wife had a good time watching me squirm under the interrogation of seasoned readers. Let's run down the revelations of the evening:

1. Suburbia is not only a male sexual fantasy. It is a story about our deteriorating moral fiber rolled in a male sexual fantasy. See the difference (they didn't either).

2. I am writing a novel that will be mistaken for a collection of short stories when it is really a novel made up of novellas. See the difference (they did, but they're skeptical as to whether or not I will pull it off).

3. He Kept to Himself, Mostly is deliberately a short read for people who don't read. Yes, I know this is an oxymoron.

4. My characters are not fully developed. (And...?)

5. Everyone has days when they feel like they are the only rational person left on the planet.

6. After reading Statistics Don't Lie, no one will trust a pool fence salesman.

7. Twisted Wife does not jump up after reading one of my stories and scream, "YOU ARE A GENIUS!" And I should stop expecting her to because it will never happen.

8. I was more scared of book club than they were of me. And, drinking didn't help.

All in all, this was a great experience. I've always had a hard time talking about my writing, but I thouroughly enjoyed being around people who genuinely wanted to know more about my stories. Of course, this was a group of women and they all could have been faking. I hear women can do that.

posted by Jim at 5:55 PM | Comments (0)