12.23.2007

Happy Holidays

Dear Twistedjim.com Readers,

I hope the 2007 Holiday Season finds you in good health and spirits. The Twisted Family has been quite busy this year.

Twisted Son has learned how to talk back and make weird faces. He has learned that throwing a fit when you don't get your way worked for Twisted Daughter, but he is seeing varied results due to his status as second child. Unfortunately for him, Twisted Wife and I have realized our mistakes with TD and decided TS must fend for himself. Currently, he has figured out picking your nose in public is a great way to get attention from your parents, and sisters can be kept at bay by biting their feet or hitting them with Hot Wheels. It really is quite a treat to watch TS at work.

From Twisted Daughter's Christmas list, I have realized she has been watching too much TV. I-Dogs, Littlest Pet Shops, iPod Nanos and Zoingo Boingos have invaded the wishes of this seemingly sweet little girl. She has also discovered my greatest pet peeve regarding children, the "what's yours is mine" syndrome. Say I buy myself a DVD. As soon as it hits the living room, it belongs to TD. The house, the cars, the food in the fridge, it's all her's. Try and argue with her and you get sucked into this whirlwind of surreal logic that Kafka couldn't have created. She is truly at a "magical" age.

Twisted Wife has been going through her first (or, possibly second) life crisis. She has fallen in love with HGTV and tried to make a business out of it. She has shaken off the shackles of her insurance background to become part Toolbelt Diva and part Ty Pennington. She's also begun feeding her creative side and building bizarre crafts for local fairs. And to top it off, she has been wrangling the children. All this and hanging out with the old ladies at the craft fairs has turned her into the 70 year-old woman I wish I would have married to begin with. The down side is, she hasn't started getting her Social Security checks. So, if you wouldn't mind stopping by the local craft fairs and buying something from her, it would help out immensely.

As for me, you know what I'm doing. I'm neglecting this site while I finish The Last Alien. I've committed to having the book on the virtual shelves in the first quarter of 2008. We'll see if Santa can help make that happen. I've asked him for some good plot tweaks for my stocking this year. Hopefully, he brings them instead of that same lump of coal I get every year. Even if the fat man doesn't pony up the goods, I will release the book in the first part of this year with the collection of short stories, Bar Codes and Bloodstains right on its heels.

You can expect some changes to Twistedjim.com in 2008 as well, including the Bedlam City Makeover. Ha, funny thing, I asked Ty Pennington to oversee the renovations. That's right, two Ty Pennington references in one post, and I didn't even mention driving drunk. GOOD MORNING TWISTEDJIM.COM!

With that, I hope you have a Happy Holiday.

xxxooo,
Twisted Jim

posted by Jim at 7:08 PM | Comments (0)

12.21.2007

"Working" in Advertising

At one point, the title of this post was going to be the title of my blog. Instead, I decided not to talk about work for fear that I would get fired and Twisted Kids would starve or be eaten by Twisted Wife and I. However, there are a few interesting things about working in advertising that I like to share every now and again. For instance, the holidays at an agency can vary by what you do. Most traditional agencies shut down between Christmas and New Year's to try and look cool and let the underpaid twenty-somethings feel like they are still in college. I work in Account Services, which means I deal with the clients and am hated by the Creative Department. I know it's a surprise. You're thinking, "Who could possibly hate Twisted Jim?" Well, sometimes Corporate Twisted Jim had to explain to creatives that clients like to see their logo on stuff and sometimes the client is creeped-out by dark humor. And sometimes creatives took that as stifling their creativity... which it was (and fun to watch to). Sometimes you could see the exact moment when their creativity died. Sure, it's evil, but that's advertising.

Anyway, to soothe the sting of a full year of "making the logo bigger," traditional agencies let their creatives come up with fun holiday stuff. Here are my favorites for this year, including my ex.

We Are the Toys - Grey, Vancouver
The Bad Gift Emporium - Barkley, KC
Red Christmas - Thought, UK

posted by Jim at 6:05 PM | Comments (0)

12.19.2007

Are You F*&$!#@G Kidding Me: Holiday Edition

Zoey 101 Teaches Sex Ed
Maybe this should have been called White Trash 101. Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant! This really comes as no surprise. C'mon she's 16 and from Louisiana. Truth is, by southern standards, she's getting her family started a bit late. I'm sure all her friends have at least three running around the trailer by now. At least Jamie Lynn will be able to provide for her young'un without having to work down at the local tittie bar... for now. I'm just hoping Twisted Daughter is learning something from the young Disney and Nickelodeon stars of today. If you take naked pictures of yourself, they'll end up on the Internet. If you have unprotected sex, you'll get pregnant. If you act like a whore, you better have a show on Nickelodeon or Disney.

What's next, Spongebob Squarepants coming out of the closet?

Countdown to X-Mas
This year I haven't heard as many people acknowledging the war on Jesus... er, I mean, Christmas. I guess it's because we are gearing up for an election year and it is more fun to scare the country with Hilary than eternal damnation. However, I have seen a lot of blasphemous behavior this year. My favorite is the nylon inflatable Nativity complete with Joseph, Mary, animals and the Baby Jesus. The only thing that would make this better would be if it were a snow globe or maybe included Santa and the reindeer gambling.

If you have this in your yard and think that you are not going to Hell, think again.

2007: Year of the Gay Republican
And speaking of people who have one foot in Satan's fiery pit, Rolling Stone has deemed 2007 the Year of the Gay Republican. Check out the latest issue to get the rundown on how deep the GOP closet is. And don't miss Bill Maher's Dickheads of the Year.

posted by Jim at 11:51 PM | Comments (0)

12.11.2007

Holy Crap, You Like the Holy!

Not so long ago, I stopped looking at the site stats for Twistedjim.com. I knew that there were roughly ten people that visited about a thousand times each to make my logs reflect 10,000 unique visitors. My geek side thought it was funny. I appreciated it for what it was, had a slight laugh and moved on.

Seems things have changed a bit. Now it looks like those ten folks have invited ten or so friends for the fun. I get it. You're funny! But the joke doesn't end there. No, no. These "20,000" unique visitors are downloading old Sunday Sermons. Ha, ha, ha!

What are you trying to tell me? You want me to bring back Rev. Jim? Right, there's about as much chance of that as me running The Bedlam City Film Festival for another year.

And speaking of Bedlam City, I've finally decided what I am going to do with the site. Well, the festival is gone. Good riddance! In it's place will be an on-going story. I know you're saying, "Twisted, didn't you try to do this with the story Aeronausiphobia?" Yep, but I'll try again anyway. Here's the kicker. I'm going to start the story and submit when I can, but it will also be open to anyone who wants to submit. All you have to do is make sure it fits as the next installment. You can write, make a movie, design a game, write a song, podcast, create storyboards, paint, draw, digitally enhance... or anything else you can think of. I'll let you know when the first installment is up, and from there it is anybody's game. All submissions will be posted (bandwidth permitting).

You may be asking, "What happens if more than one person submits for an installment?" With the participation track record, it won't happen. But if it does, all installments will be posted and the viewing audience can decide what they want to do. Sound fair? Good.

posted by Jim at 6:15 PM | Comments (0)

Disclaimer

As many of you know, I have taken a new job. I'll still be in advertising/marketing, but now I'll be doing it for more money closer to home. So, this leaves me in the transition phase from one job to the next. During this time, you may also notice that I post more frequently. This is not a coincidence.

posted by Jim at 5:08 AM | Comments (0)

12.10.2007

Amy Winehouse is No Sid Vicious

Personally, I don't care if Amy Winehouse goes to rehab. No, no, no. I just want that fucking song out of my head. Fortunately, I don't think I will have to wait very long. Let's see if I can accurately depict what's about to happen with Miss Amy's career. Here's some options:

1. She'll win the Best New Artist Grammy. And like most other winners of the Best New Artist Grammy, we'll never hear from her again. She'll hock her Grammy for drugs and end up face down in a gutter somewhere. No one will miss her.

2. She'll continue to be the poster child for morons, fight with her husband, run half-naked through the streets of London and never make another album again. No one will miss her.

3. She'll get arrested and go to jail, find Jesus and never make another album again. no one will miss her.

So, what have we learned about the celebutards... no one will miss you.

posted by Jim at 6:00 PM | Comments (0)

12.07.2007

Conversations with a Four Year-Old: Writing

Listen, I promised more than just you I would have The Last Alien finished by now. But rest assured, Twisted Daughter is on the case.

TD: Daddy, are you writing a book?
Me: Yes.
TD: Will it be as good as Leonardo the Terrible Monster?
Me: No, dear.
TD: You've been writing your book a long time. When will it be done?
Me: I'm going to tell everyone 2008, just like I told them 2007 last year.
TD: Why will you tell them that?
Me: Because the book's not finished.
TD: Why don't you finish it?
Me: Well, I'm trying but it's hard.
TD: Why is it hard?
Me: Um, I get sidetracked by work... and kids... and life.
TD: That's no excuse.
Me: I know.
TD: Maybe you should quit watching so much TV... or playing video games... or surfing the Internet... or going out with those "friends" of yours.
Me: I'm sorry.
TD: Well, you should be, mister.

posted by Jim at 5:23 PM | Comments (0)