1.29.2008

King George's Farewell Tour

It's official! King George has kicked off his farewell tour. And, unlike KISS, he won't be back for a second, third, fourth or fifth go 'round. Last night's first show at the Capitol was awesome. Here's my review:

King George: State of the Union
I'll admit, King George is not one of my favorite performers. But last night he pulled out all the stops. The show opened with a lot of chatter by the members of Congress. Suddenly, a man appears at the door and shouts to the Speaker, "Madam Speaker, I present the President of the United States!" And from there, the crowd went nuts. King George came down the center aisle warmly shaking hands on the right, looking like he was touching lepers on the left. It was one of the best entrances I've seen. The only thing that would have made it better was pyrotechnics. But we all know that George is a simple man and he doesn't go for the cheap thrills. By the time he got onstage, he didn't have to say anything. But instead, he ripped right into his classics.

My favorite is Iraq. He's been doing this one since 2000 and it never gets old. There's always a new twist. I think he adds a new verse every time I've seen him perform. This year it went something like, "Some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt. Al-Qaida is on the run in Iraq, and this enemy will be defeated." Sure, it was similar to last year's verse, but this year he added, "Our enemies in Iraq have been hit hard. They are not yet defeated, and we can still expect tough fighting ahead. Our objective in the coming year is to sustain and build on the gains we made in 2007, while transitioning to the next phase of our strategy." It was awesome because he was pretending there was a strategy! Talk about updating the old standards. I was blown away.

He also did some new material that I can't say I liked so much. I think it was called Blame it on Congress. It was really more of a refrain that kept coming up in his other songs. He added it to Economy, Immigration, Wire Tapping and his #1 hit No Child Left Behind. It was the same thing over and over, "Members of Congress, stop dragging your feet and pass my bills. If you don't the American people will be..." Insert poor, overrun with Mexicans, attacked by terrorists and stupid here. To be honest, it was like going to a concert where the lead singer points his microphone to the audience asking them to sing for them. It's just plain lazy! I didn't pay the scalper $80 to see the crowd sing your songs!

All in all, the show was predictable. In this case, that's not a bad thing. You know, I expected to hear the hits and that's what I got. Unfortunately, he tried to update the classics without putting any effort behind it. I hope George gets better as the tour goes on. I'll chalk last night up to opening night jitters.

posted by Jim at 7:37 AM | Comments (0)

1.23.2008

Still Not Father of the Year... but

When Twisted Daughter came on the scene four years ago, I can't say that I was ready to be a father. Don't get me wrong, I was prepared to learn but I don't think anyone is ever truly ready for what parenthood entails. I was 30 and I thought I should have a better handle on it than most. I found out pretty quick that wasn't the case. Now that Twisted Son has joined the fray, my comfort level with being a father has increased. But, by no means, do I feel like I'm 100% Dad. No matter what anyone says, I'm convinced all dads start out with doubts. The first and foremost being, "Will I be a good father?" Many times you end up comparing yourself to your own father, but sometimes you find out just what kind of a father you are all on your own.

I was in an all-day meeting in Chicago last week. See that's what Internet marketers do... well, some anyway. They sit down with their clients for a day's worth of meetings to ensure that there are no questions about how you will spend 2008. For me, it's ownership of the retention program, which we all know is always the step-child marketing program. When you toss in the fact that I work on the Internet elements of the retention program... well, let's just say I am the 13th child in a 20-child family. Fortunately, I love Relationship Marketing and helping clients find new ways to retain that 20% of customers that bring in 80% of their revenue. Yes, I said that with a straight face.

So, I'm sitting in the meeting and my cell phone starts ringing... er, vibrating. Prior to the meeting I remembered to turn off my Oh, Sherry ringtone. Although it rocks and generally makes everyone in the room laugh, I am of the belief that allowing your cell phone to ring while meeting with clients is extremely unprofessional. I assumed the call was from Twisted Wife, but she knew I wouldn't be able to answer. So, I let it go to voicemail. I figured I'd listen during a break and call TW if it was urgent. But the phone kept vibrating. The second vibrate was just the call going to voicemail. So, I sat there completely unphased.

The third vibrate caught me off guard. It came ten minutes after the second. I thought, "Okay, we'll be taking a break soon, it can't be that important." Ten minutes later, a fourth vibration. "She's just leaving a second message. She needs an answer to some crazy question. She can wait." Ten minutes later, a fifth vibration. "What the Hell, woman! I'm in a meeting!" Ten minutes later, a sixth vibration. And so it went for the next hour and a half, every ten minutes the phone would vibrate.

At the sixth vibration, my anger gave way to worry. What if something had happened to one of our Twisted Parents. Who was most likely to be sick? TW's Grandpa was first on the list, then Twisted Dad followed by Twisted Mother In-Law. Sorry folks, that's how you rank in health in my mind. Regardless, my mind was racing thinking of whether or not to excuse myself or just wait until the break... and the damn phone kept vibrating! My worry quickly jumped to the worst-case option. Something's happened to the Twisted Kids. I was convinced there was a lot of blood and TW was freaking out. With each vibration I would shift in my seat and I would look across the table at my boss. By the eighth ring, one of the kids was dead. My imagination was telling me to excuse myself while my common sense kept me strapped in my chair. The phone kept vibrating! By the ninth vibration, I knew my entire family had been long dead, and as soon as I could take a break I would be getting the devastating news. My stomach started to twist and my chest got tight. I looked around the table and realized no one there was going to help me. Finally, the door to the conference room opened and the catering cart came rolling in.

I was up and headed to the door before my client could say, "Let's" in "Let's take a break," or "Let's get some lunch," or whatever she was going to say. As soon as I was in the hallway, I had my phone out and was feverishly fumbling for the voicemail button. I knew I was about to receive the most horrible news. "Mr. Dayton, your son/daughter/father/mother in-law/grandfather is..." I took a quick glance at the screen and immediately stopped dead in my tracks.

1 Voicemail Message

I was about to laugh but I thought I might throw up if I did. I couldn't cry because I was about to explode. I wanted to throw the phone down the hall... but instead, I listened.

"Yo Sean. Man, I am totally hung over. I still have the keys and I'm not going to make it today, you know what I'm saying. I got the kids and I feel like shit." I could hear the kids in the background. "I'll see you tomorrow, but you ain't gonna be able to get in tonight." Beep.

I hope I never meet Sean or his friend.

posted by Jim at 11:19 PM | Comments (0)

1.18.2008

Nothing to Fear but...

There are a lot of things I am scared of. Generally, I sit down and write stories about my fears in a feeble attempt to make them go away. But one frightening vision has haunted me since my teens. I have never been able to write about it only because it brings out the much larger fear of everyone knowing how much of an idiot I really am.

Fortunately for me, someone has made a movie about my greatest fear. It's called Teeth. Please go see this site... it may just make one of your biggest fears go away too.

posted by Jim at 11:35 PM | Comments (0)

1.08.2008

Intensive Purposes

Yep, I've said it before. I've also said, "extensive purposes" and, just today, "extents and purposes." And the University of Kansas still saw fit to give me an English degree. So, instead of continuing to sound like an ass, I looked it up on the wiki. What I found was this very funny article about language from 1994. I know it's 14 years old, but it reminded me of Twisted Daughter and how she sings Hey There Delilah. According to her the song is about the brave Native American tribe, Wachitootamee.

posted by Jim at 7:37 AM | Comments (0)

1.06.2008

The Evolution of a President

Okay, there are a lot of you out there asking why I haven't jumped all over Mike Huckabee and his Intelligent Design beliefs. My answer, the Republicans are NOT going to win the next Presidential election. They don't have another regime like King George's waiting in the wings. Karl Rove is gone and king-makers are hard to come by. The country is pissed at the GOP and wants a change. But for shits and giggles, let's examine the Huckabee issue.

During a debate, the panel of candidates was asked who among them did not believe in Evolution. Huckabee was one of three that raised his hand. The following day the press hounded him to elaborate and this is what he had to say:

"If you want to believe that you and your family came from apes, that's fine. I'll accept that," he said. "I just don't happen to think that I did."

As for what should be taught in public schools, Huckabee said he wants "schools to acknowledge that there are views that are different than evolution."

Huckabee downplayed the role evolution should have in the election. "Is a president going to sit in the Oval Office and really make a decision on what's being taught in a third-grade class in Dubuque, Iowa, on creation or evolution?" he said. "The answer is no."

Unfortuantely, Mike, the President does need to be intelligent enough to hold the office. And disbelief in the Thoery of Evolution is the same as disbelief in the earth being round, fire being hot, the sky being blue and the grass being green. Evolution exists, and not acknowledging it as a viable scientific explanation for human existence is just plain stupid. I don't doubt the merits of your faith, or anyone's faith for that matter. But faith, God, the Bible and religion were all created by man to explain away the unknown and fear thereof, as well as set forth a set of laws for living a righteous life. Sure, science isn't perfect. But again, it is a creation of man, who we all know to be flawed. My genuine belief is that the world is too complex for any of us to explain and therefore Intelligent Design and Evolution are doing exactly what the other religious and scientific constructs have done for us as a species, explained away the ever-scary unknown.

There is a place in this world for both Evolution, a school, and Intelligent Design, a church. And that's why the smart people that we have evolved from saw fit to divide church and state. If you're gonna be my President, you need to be able to recognize this division and uphold it.

So, sorry Mike, you won't get my vote.

posted by Jim at 7:18 PM | Comments (0)

1.02.2008

The Twisted Jim 2008 List of Promises... I Won't Keep

It's that time of year when I tell you a whole bunch of cool stuff I plan on doing in 2008 that will never materialize. But before we look ahead, let's take a look back at 2007. Okay, pull out your pool sheets and let's see who won the FREE Twistedjim.com t-shirt...

2007 Promises
1. A new running story, Aeronausiphobia - This was started but never finished. One point.
2. The triumphant return of Story Time with Twisted Jim - Never happened.
3. Jim's New Song podcast - Again, never happened.
4. One act plays by Tyson and Jim at The Brick - Sorry, not in '07.
5. The release of The Last Alien - Ha!
6. The 2007 Bedlam City Film Festival - Alright! Two points! It wasn't much but it happened.
7. The release of Bar Codes and Bloodstains - I was awfully ambitious last year. Never happened.
8. Rock Fathers: The Musician's Guide to Living in the Wasteland - Crap! This never happened but is still a great idea.

There you have it. If you got all three points, you are better at planning than I am. There were only a few of you that entered. So, I'm guessing it's a tie for last place. Anyway, on to 2008...

2008 Promises
1. The Bedlam City Film Festival will not be back for a third year. Instead the site will be completely taken over by Bedlam City, the on-going story/art piece with installments by anyone who wants to contribute via any medium.
2. The Last Alien will be released by March.
3. Bar Codes and Bloodstains will be released later in the year.
4. Aeronausiphobia will be back.
5. The podcasting will resume... Story Time or Sunday Sermon? It's anyone's guess.
6. Rock Fathers: The Musician's Guide to Living in the Wasteland will become a reality in '08.

All this, and the return of some of your favorite features like Extreme Movie Night Reviews and Conversations with a Four Year-Old await in '08. Plus, it's an election year! That's right, you'll get to see how little I know about the candidates and politics in general. It's already shaping up to be the best Twisted year yet!

posted by Jim at 6:35 PM | Comments (0)