2.18.2008

Hidden Talents: A Marketing Mind

When I was nine, I wanted to grow up to be a rock star. My parents were nice enough to rent me a cello and let me join the youth orchestra at my school. I was a terrible cellist. And although I am not a psychologist, I'm guessing this is because I wanted to be a ROCK star! I had never seen anyone rock the cello. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I was nine and there was a lot I hadn't seen. Then, when I was in my 20's, I wanted to be a writer. I earned my degree in Creative Writing and went straight into Marketing. You might be saying, "Wow, you have an amazing track record of not doing what you want to do, Twisted Jim." But that's not really the case. Instead, I have found my hidden talent... I see marketing in everything. This is exactly like seeing dead people or the Matrix, except I'm not a little kid and I don't look anything like Keanu Reeves.

So, now I have a career in Marketing, more specifically, CRM or Customer Relationship Management. I try to help companies have honest and relevant interactions with their customers. This is not an easy job when all the companies really want from you is your money. So, to bridge the gap, I send personalized email and junk mail, I develop relevant web sites and social network groups and I create informative text messages, fun games and useful widgets. In other words, I try to invade your life as much as possible hoping to hit the right button turning you into a zombie that buys my clients' products involuntarily. I know... I'm the devil.

Today I came across this awesome chart by my favorite research firm, eMarketer. As I looked the stats up and down like a centerfold, I noticed that this was telling me exactly who uses the Internet today. Take another look at the chart and tell me if you don't see the following:

The growing majority of people using the Internet are unemployed, devoutly religious, politically active, lesbian teens who like shopping and Perez Hilton.

See, I told you I was gifted. This is a totally untapped segment of society... and they're the majority of the people using the Internet. So if things start to change on Twistedjim.com, remember this is my new target market.

NOTE: If you are one of my clients reading this post, I can totally help you to tap into this market as well. We'll deploy Web 2.0 initiatives in the social media, interactive, gaming and mobile space to provide relevant content in their preferred channel. Buzz word, buzz word, buzz wordy, buzz word, do da, do da, day.

posted by Jim at 11:36 PM | Comments (0)

2.15.2008

Conversations with a Four Year-Old: Show and Tell

I learned a lot from Twisted Daughter's take on appropriate Show and Tell items.

TD: I'm taking Frisco for Show and Tell.
Me: Really, what will you tell your class about Frisco?
TD: She's a dog from Build-a-Bear Workshop that Grandma got me.
Me: Maybe you shouldn't rub it in that you have a Build-a-Bear dog. And what the Hell is Grandma doing buying a dog at a bear shop?
TD: Ha, Grandma in Hell.
Me: Ha, that is funny. But don't tell Grandma I laughed at that.
TD: Do you have Show and Tell at your work?
Me: Ha, that's almost as funny as Grandma in Hell.
TD: Well, if you do, you should take Frisco... or Grandma.

posted by Jim at 6:22 PM | Comments (0)

2.08.2008

I Slept All Super F!@#$^% Week

So, it's been almost a week since the Super Bowl. Honestly, I don't really care for sports, but I'm also not one of those jackasses who "roots for the commercials" either. I figure the magnitude of last Sunday has officially sunk in for everyone and I'm not killing anyone's buzz by now.

Two pretty amazing things happen on Super Bowl Sunday (not counting all the domestic violence). First, 94 million people sit down and watch a football game. And second, advertising steals the spotlight from a major sporting event. Hey, no one watches the World Series to see if Go Daddy will show Danica Patrick's tits. Regarding the game, I have one thing to say to the New York Giants... FUCK YOU! I wanted to see history last Sunday, instead I got to see a second rate team get lucky. I'm sick and fucking tired of the 1972 Dolphins thinking they're the best team ever to play the game. Way to drop the ball, again, New York.

As far as the commercials go, there was one company that blew everyone else out of the water. ETrade's baby spots were far and away the best of the bunch. I know a lot of other advertising professionals thought Budweiser's Dalmatian and Clydesdale spot was the best, but they're wrong. Everyone knows it's not your length that makes you great. Otherwise there would be no advertising professionals. (Ladies and Gentlemen, my first small dick joke of 2008. Thank you.)

posted by Jim at 11:02 PM | Comments (0)