Rockfathers

The Value of Music

2010-01-26T21:35:00.000-05:00

I remember going to Musicland in the local mall and buying albums for $9.99. And that memory alone makes me feel old. In most cases, it was the best money I'd ever spent. Like anyone my age, I would hole up in my room and listen to the album over and over until it was warped, scratched or something better was released. I'm not going to be the crotchety old man that talks about how music was so much better back then... it wasn't. But, it was a more meaningful experience. It's an experience that becomes more difficult to reproduce as I get older.

The music I listened to growing up made such an impact on me that I decided I wouldn't just listen, I would participate. I'm not much of a musician. Don't misunderstand, I can play. But I'm a musician out of the love of playing and I came to that realization very early. The dreams of demos, limos and groupies died in my late teens, and I got lucky along the way to play with extremely talented people to realize some of my rockstar dreams on a very small scale.

So, as my children start to decide what role music will play in their lives, I'm concerned that the industry that is an institution has lost its potency. I've directly contributed to its demise and I take full responsibility for being a member of the "MTV Generation." I've tolerated the segmentation, glamorization and monetization of something I love. I've watched artistry give way to industry. And now I am trying to help my children navigate my mess. Unfortunately, Twisted Daughter has taken the first step down the corporate music path. She loves The Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana. It's sad, because she had such a promising start. Her favorite song a year ago was Bone Machine by the Pixies. How do you go from the Pixies to The Jonas Brothers? Really, how?

Twisted Son, on the other hand, is still content listening to "Daddy's songs." His current favorite morning song is Nirvana's Drain You. I hoping this trend will continue, but I'm positive it won't. I am nearly certain he will fall into the same trap as his sister and listen to whatever his friends are listening to. Maybe I should be hoping that the Twisted Kids have good taste in friends and choose a sphere of influence that listens to true artists instead of manufactured, over-produced schlock whose only purpose is to separate them from their $9.99.

How Easily Things Go Awry

2009-12-22T21:05:00.001-05:00

It feels like my life has changed dramatically over the last three months. I haven't had time for friends or family, I haven't spent time doing what I love, instead I've been working. It happens to the best of us. We get caught up in our work and don't stop to look around. We put our heads down and plow through everything that is put in front of us hoping that the endless hours will pay off. Although I know it has been hard on the faithful readers of Rockfathers, my absence has impacted the Twisted Family in ways I would have never expected. Basically, I've spent a lot of time apologizing to people for being such a selfish prick. So, as things have quieted down for the holidays at work, I've made it a priority to spend more time with the Twisted's. And this decision was the perfect break from the realities of work.

To illustrate, this past weekend Twisted Wife and I decided we should get all our Xmas shopping finished up. Well, I decided we should get it finished up. She thought there were a few things we should let go 'til the eleventh hour. Regardless, we packed up the Twisted Kids and headed off to get the last dozen presents for friends and family this year. Shortly after our second stop on the list, TW's phone rang. It was our neighbor, Jack. Here's the conversation as I heard it:

"Hi, Jack."
"Uh huh. Really?"
"Well, I don't know if I want to tell him about that."
"Ha, that sounds like fun."
"Well, maybe we'll see you later."

After a lot of "Don't know if you want to tell me what?" TW told me Jack was hosting a "tattoo party" of sorts and he was wondering if I wanted to stop by and get any work done. At the end of this explanation she rolled her eyes and asked the worst question she's ever asked.

"Weren't you thinking about getting the Rockfathers logo above your Twisted Jim logo?"

Now, if you don't remember, TW and I had an unspoken agreement about the Twisted Jim tattoo. I had tricked her into admitting it was my body and I could do whatever I wanted to with it. She opened the door and I simply walked through it to get a tattoo long after I had promised her that I wouldn't get any more tattoos. The Twisted Jim tattoo was supposed to be the end of it. And now, she had opened that door again. WTF?!? Obviously, she wanted that question back as soon as it left her lips. But, me being me, the conversation was open.

Me: "I don't know, maybe."
TW: "Well, do you want to go check it out?"

And that was it. We had successfully gone from Xmas shopping to tattoos. And I am now the proud owner of a Rockfathers logo on my left leg thanks to Jack and Hott Dogg at Authentic Ink. And in the spirit of full disclosure, Authentic Ink did not pay me for any endorsements. As a matter of fact, I paid them. And, if you want some new ink and live within the U.S., go see Vinnie. He's a true artist.

Everbody Gets One

2009-10-27T22:27:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of crazy rules that Twisted Wife and I have come up with over the years. It's one of the secrets to our amazing marriage (she's actually laughing right now as she reads this). Whatever, it's not like amazing is that big of a stretch. Anyway, one of the fun things about living with me is the rules. For instance, we have a rule about leaving each other somewhere or forcing each other to walk home. If I leave Twisted Wife over a mile from the house, she can file for divorce, or vice versa. That's the rule. One mile away, grounds for divorce. Really, it makes perfect sense. And, yes, we've actually been within one-tenth of a mile of calling the lawyers.

Another rule is that you get one terrible movie pick. Early in our relationship, before we were married, TW decided that we should go see the 1996 classic Demi Moore flick, The Juror. And as we walked from the theater, the rule was created. And TW had to live with never picking a movie again... until now.

Last Friday, I decided that TW and I would go see Paranormal Activity. Needless to say, she wasn't excited. Ghost movies really aren't her thing. She doesn't mind horror movies, even though she is easily scared and screams a bit. So, she kept asking if I thought she would be screaming a lot. My only answer was "I hope so." Personally, I'd seen the trailer and was hoping for a scare or two. And by the time we were ready to go see the movie, I'd read enough of the hype that I fully expected to relive my Poltergeist experience. Of course, this time around, I wasn't ten and I'd seen countless horror movies.

As we sat through the 89 minutes of Paranormal Activity, we quickly realized something. People were laughing at the parts that were intended to be scary. The movie was leaving nothing to the viewer's imagination. There was no "unknown" to be afriad of. The scares were completely telegraphed and made everyone in the theater roll their eyes in disappointment. This movie was NOT scary... I HAD PICKED A TERRIBLE MOVIE!

And with that, the slate was wiped clean. Looks like Couples Retreat is in my future.

A No-FAIL Week in Music

2009-10-18T11:19:00.000-04:00

Twisted Wife and I knew this was going to be tough week. We each had concerts to go to in addition to the hectic schedules of the Twisted Kids. That is, if you can call canceled soccer practice and enabling a LEGO Star Wars addiction "hectic." She went to Kings of Leon at the Sprint Center, a show that I couldn't stomach after having the song Sex on Fire jammed down my throat by every radio station for the last year. So, I opted for two amazing metal bands that I had never seen and a group of old friends that were reuniting after six years.

Metalocalypse Presents: Dethklok and Mastodon at The Uptown Theater 10/12/09
To say I was dying to see Dethklok and Mastodon is an extreme understatement. Metalocalypse is arguably one of the best animated shows ever created, and Crack the Skye is one of my personal Top 10 Albums of 2009. So, when the show was announced, I screamed like a schoolgirl a little. And the second tickets went on sale, I bought two, not caring who was going with me. Turns out, @DaveElliott loves metal as much as I do and was willing to get his face melted. The only weak link in this chain was that the show was at The Uptown Theater, notorious for its awful sound. Fortunately for us, the bands' talent taught the sound system a much-needed lesson.

The show started at 6:30 pm. This was only an issue because, unlike a lot of metal fans, I'm in my thirties, no longer a student and have a steady job. Really, I'm not making fun of metal fans. I'm just stating facts. I didn't expect the Dave Matthews crowd. That's all I'm saying. We arrived just as High on Fire was finishing their second or third song. Normally, I hate openers. By definition, they generally suck. But High on Fire was a solid low-fi metal band that got the crowd's ears prepped for the rest of the night. Next up was Converge. I'd heard the name but never the music. I was impressed with lead singer Jacob Bannon and guitarist Kurt Ballou. They are veteran musicians who know how to work their audience. Unfortunately, the sound guy completely screwed this band. I have listened to some of their stuff since then, and the show at The Uptown made them sound like it was their first show out of the garage.

After sitting through two very solid metal bands, I was fully prepared for Mastodon. For those of you that don't know me, I've been talking about this show for weeks. It's the first show I've been to in a very long time where I hadn't seen any of the bands previously. That may not be a big deal for a lot of people. But, to me, it gives me the same feelings I had when I was a youngster seeing my very first concert. So, when Mastodon hit the stage, my brain went apeshit. And they did not disappoint. They ripped through Crack the Skye front-to-back and made the best of the worst sounding venue in the U.S.... except for lead guitarist and singer Brent Hinds. He threw a rock 'n' roll tantrum the likes of which I haven't seen since Trent Reznor during The Fragile tour. He yelled at the techs, kicked over a light and threw his monitors off the stage. This may sound like I'm bagging on him, quite the opposite. He is one of the best guitarists I've seen... ever. So, that gives him every right to have an artist's temperament. Honestly, I could have watched him play for another hour. He's one of those musicians that bares his soul when he picks up the instrument, puts every piece of himself into his playing and makes it all look completely effortless. It's nothing short of amazing. In fact, there was a point during one of his solos that he made a sound that no doubt woke people around the world from their sleep only to ask, "Did you hear that?"

I had no idea what to expect from the night's headliner, Dethklok. After all, they are an animated band from this generations' This is Spinal Tap. I guess I was hoping to see new Metalocalypse footage with live musicians playing from a makeshift orchestra pit. Thankfully, I was wrong. Led by show creator, Brendon Small, Dethklok showed every bit of their live-action side. It was a great metal band playing great metal that happened to come from an animated show. And maybe that is what has made the show so popular. From the painstaking attention to detail when the animated band plays to the phenomenal musicianship that is evident in the music, Brendon Small has taken no short cuts. In the words of Nathan Explosion, "These guys are totally brutal."

Danger Bob at The Bottleneck 10/17/09
After Monday night's show, I was hoping to regain my hearing in time for the Danger Bob reunion at The Bottleneck in Lawrence, Kansas. This was a band of old and dear Twisted Friends. Unlike Monday's show, I'd seen Danger Bob perform countless times. As a matter of fact, Twisted Wife got snubbed by guitarist Andy Morton when she asked them to play Frogsat Love on one of our first dates. After that incident, I went on to work with Andy and play with him, and bassist Jason Lovell, in Star 80. I also was fortunate enough to make a guest appearance with Danger Bob as The Mollyphonic Spree. Don't ask, I couldn't even begin to explain. Needless to say, they are a Twisted Family favorite.

From experience, I knew the reunion show was thrown together in a very short amount of time. It's kind of how things are done. I also expected some mistakes. This was not going to be a seamless show. If it were, it wouldn't be Danger Bob. Once again, I was not disappointed. For the six years of rust that needed to be shaken off, Danger Bob sounded amazing. They warned everyone at the top of the show that it was going to be a long night. Andy held up the setlist saying, "look at all this shit we have to get through." And they played it all... and then some, even taking requests and calling onstage audibles by the end. It was the best reunion show to happen in Lawrence this year. Sorry, Paw.

All in all, last week was one of the best music weeks in recent memory.

And So It Begins... Marketing Monday

2009-10-13T23:21:00.000-04:00

Many of you know that I have had a strict rule separating my professional life from my Twisted life. Well, last Thursday that rule was completely shattered. I attended a marketing conference where I was confronted with using my @Rockfathers account to send my thoughts on the conference to my co-workers, or try to quickly set up the company account to use from my phone. I chose to use my personal account, and thoroughly enjoyed talking about my work. There was a thin veil of anonymity with only a handful of people knowing the company I work for and the clients I represent. It's not that I hide that information, and the dots are very easy to connect. But it was nice talking with other professionals about something I am very passionate about.

So, what's the rub? Well, I've decided to start talking about the industry I work in on all the Rockfathers accounts every Monday. And with that, Marketing Monday is born! I hope you enjoy it, and I promise to make this new segment as useful as possible to anyone who is trying to promote... well... anything. I guess this makes my selfish format complete, fatherhood, music, writing and marketing. Yep, sounds like everything I'd talk about.

Twisted Son Conversations #2

2009-10-08T23:23:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a great dad day at Twisted Manor. Two conversations between Twisted Wife and Twisted Son yielded great insight into his developing personality. And it comes as no surprise, he's a little crazy. Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. You be the judge:

Twisted Wife: How did school go today?
Twisted Son: The angry boy was being mean to me.
TW: Really, what happened?
TS: The angry boy was mean and he chased me.
TW: Well, what did you do?
TS: The nice girl hit him (ominous laughter).

Personally, I don't know exactly what emotions to have about this one. I was happy he didn't hit the boy, but scared that he thought the girl hitting him was so funny. Is he going to be one of those guys that likes Foxy Boxing? I was also a little sad that he didn't stand up for himself. Basically I went with my first instinct and laughed hysterically at him for having his girlfriend fight his battles for him. Yep, I chose the completely juvenile route.

The second conversation was just outright creepy:

TW: Time to go to bed.

At this, Twisted Kids run upstairs and slam their doors. It's a little bedtime "game" we play. TW goes into TS's room. TS closes the door behind her and locks it.

TS: You're not going anywhere.

It was reported that, once again, there was ominous laughter and "a crazy look." TW laughed to keep from being creeped out. I laughed along but was a bit unnerved by the whole exchange. It seemed very much like Pet Semetary. But I guess this kind of stuff doesn't scare me nearly as much as his normal conversations which almost always include a reference to his butt, sand in his butt or his "business."

Twisted Digital Library #4: Bad Habits

2009-09-28T23:39:00.000-04:00

I'm sure the irony is not lost on any of you. That's right, the latest story is called Bad Habits. I'm hoping to mark a change in my behavior by finally publishing this story that is over two years old. It was going to be chapter six of my unfinished novel The Last Alien. Admittedly, the novel will most likely never be finished.

Speaking of books, to promote my last book, He Kept to Himself, Mostly, I held a contest. The winner of said contest would get a character named after them in my next book. The winner was Jason Showalter. So, Jason, this is your story... er, chapter... from the next book. And just so everyone knows, the only thing Jason shares with this character is the name. You're welcome. It's only a few, or six, years late.

I have one other person to thank for helping me rediscover this story, my neighbor Jack. Unlike Jason, there are many similarities between the Jack in the story and my neighbor. He is a cop and he lives across the street... and he would probably enjoy arresting me if I turned out anything like the character in this story.

So, for any of you that don't know how the Twisted Digital Library works, I have published the story for you to enjoy on Rockfathers, as an e-Book at Feedbooks and a podcast (Bad Habits coming soon). So, start enjoying!

There are a bunch of other bad habits I'm hoping to break this week, like posting more often and finishing the exciting new project that I am working on with Tyson Schroeder. Stay tuned to see how that works out.

Rockfathers is Giving Back... for Once

2009-09-17T21:01:00.000-04:00

I'd like to think that I am a good citizen. But deep down I know I'm not. Sure, I donate money every year to the charities of Twisted Wife's choosing. Okay, okay, Twisted Wife does all the donating and I just take the credit. But this year is different. A close Twisted Family friend organizes the Dot-to-Dot 5K Run and Walk to support pediatric brain tumor research, and Twisted Jim is a sponsor. I know what you're saying, "Twisted Jim doesn't run." And you're right, I don't... but other people do. So, if you are one of those people and you want to help, please come out and run this Saturday. Online registration is closed, but you can still register at the race.

3rd Annual Paulina Cooper Dot-to-Dot 5K Run/Walk
Saturday, September 19th
8:00 AM
At Corporate Woods
9401 Indian Creek Parkway
Overland Park, KS

Part 2: The Lenexa Crossing Guard Issue
There's a little bit of an uproar here in the twisted land of Lenexa. It seems our city government is having deep budget cuts due to the recession. I know, Bernanke said it was over but he was lying. You know how I know? The city is cutting all the crossing guards for area schools. It seems the police department can no longer fund them, and the schools can not pick up the slack.

You would think that the parents would step in and do something about this travesty. But instead of providing a solution, the parents have come together to bitch and moan. It seems that the good citizens of Lenexa want someone else to take care of their problem. They've complained at a town hall meeting. They've complained at the city council meeting. But none of them have stood up and said...

I will volunteer to be a crossing guard for the safety of our children.

Nope. Instead of banding together and solving the problem, the soccer moms and stay-at-home dads have chosen their morning Pilates classes over the safety of their children. And I know there are enough of them to cover all the crossing guard shifts. So, I guess that leaves it up to the working parents. Let me be the first to announce that I will be happy to take one morning shift a week to ensure the children that walk to school in my neighborhood make it across the street safely. And I encourage other parents in Lenexa to do the same. It only takes a handful of us to get the job done.

There, now I feel better.

Blink-182 Tells Penis Jokes... Get Over It!

2009-09-06T21:23:00.000-04:00

I thought with the recent death of DJ AM and the cancellation of the Cleveland and St. Louis shows, the Buzz Beachball featuring Blink-182 and Weezer was going to be without a headliner. Fortunately, I was wrong. But this was nowhere near the show I was expecting.

Buzz Beachball featuring Blink-182 and Weezer at Capitol Federal Park at Sandstone (formerly Sandstone Amphitheater) 9/4/09
Really, I'm not kidding Capitol Federal Park at Sandstone (formerly Sandstone Amphitheater) is the actual name of the venue. Look who needs to get over it, now. Anyway, Twisted Wife's plan was to go late to the last rock-like festival show that comes to Kansas City because she really only wanted to see The Von Bondies. You may know them best for their song C'Mon, C'Mon that has been used in countless commercials. TW, however, seems to like "their new stuff," whatever that is. I decided to indulge her for numerous reasons. I like car commercial songs, she's kind of fun to go to concerts with, she brought me dinner and we'd just watched the Kirk Cameron movie Fireproof, which reminded me that if I don't start being a better husband, she'd make me go to church... or start believing in Intelligent Design... or think Kirk Cameron is a good actor... or something like that. Maybe I missed the point. Of course, after we ate dinner and got gas, we were much later than we expected. And by the time we got to the venue, hereafter referred to as Sandstone, we only heard C'mon, C'mon from the parking lot as we walked into the show. So, much like the Green Day show, the concert didn't get off to a great start. But this time, it wasn't my fault.

On our way to our seats, we realized something... we were way too old not to have kids with us. Everywhere we looked there were children being chaperoned by the "cool" dad or mom. It wasn't so much that they were cool, more that they had done something horrible to their child and their guilt had forced them into bringing their kid and six of his or her friends to the show. I kept thinking about what I would have to do to Twisted Daughter that would make me feel so bad that I would take her to a Jonas Brothers concert. Which, by the way, is my worst nightmare. Needless to say, I couldn't think of anything that would make me feel that guilty. But somewhere, these parents had sinned against their children and the only way to atone was coming to see Weezer and Blink-182.

This being a festival show, we had to wait through a couple of bands before Weezer hit the stage. First up was The Republic Tigers. I don't want to say a lot about this band because they are hometown boys. So, my review is that they are a fantastic second-stage band that will find their way to the big-boy stage very soon. I will say that they kicked the rock out of the second band I was forced to watch... Taking Back Sunday. This band reminds me of the 80's. During the 80's there were a ton of shitty bands that guys pretended to like because their girlfriends thought they were good. But as we all know, NEVER listen to a band because your girlfriend listens to them. Girlfriends ALWAYS have terrible taste in music... ALWAYS! Taking Back Sunday is definitely a girlfriend band. The final opening band was a duo out of Brooklyn called Matt & Kim. The pop that takes Phoenix four frenchmen only takes these two New Yorkers. It's catchy and energetic like Ben Folds and smart like Joy Division. And it was the highlight of the show... not just the second-stage show... the show.

So, by now you know that the rest of the show was mediocre. Maybe it was because I'd seen both Weezer and Blink-182 in their younger, aggressive years that this show was lacking the energy I had come to expect from these bands. Weezer looked, and sounded for that matter, like a high school garage band playing covers. They were having fun, and I would have voted for them to win the talent show, but they were easily ignored. Granted, all the teens and tweens loved them, but it wasn't the full-bore ROCK SHOW that Weezer has delivered in the past. Maybe it was because they were essentially an opening band and they haven't been in that position for a long time. Whatever it was, it wasn't Weezer. So, I can't really review their set.

I didn't know what to expect from Blink-182. I'd read the stories of the split and reunion. Obviously, I knew Travis had to be mourning the death of his friend. So, I figured their set would be awkward at best. On that front, they didn't disappoint. Sure, they played their hits... Tom sounded like he had a cold... the light show was cool... but, again, it just wasn't the incredible show that this band is capable of delivering.

The thing that made Blink's set fun was watching the parents with their tweens. We were lucky enough to have seats directly behind a group of four 11-13 year-old boys and their parents. Obviously, the parents haven't heard of little thing I like to call YouTube. If they had done a little research beyond listening to What's My Age Again, they would know that Tom and Mark are known for their one truly exquisite talent... penis jokes and foul banter. And, no matter what I thought of the music part of the show, they were in rare form on the foul banter front. I enjoyed watching the mother cringe at every mention of "fucking Mark's mom," every "your dad doesn't get as much vagina as our sound man," and every "I went down on Tom's dad," not to mention all the "fuck your parents," and my personal favorite, "this song is about everybody's penis in the audience put together," before playing the parental favorite All the Small Things. With every profanity and roll of the mother's eyes, I imagined the conversation on the ride home. It had to be priceless. I can hardly wait to be having the same conversation with Twisted Son and his pals.

College Bound?

2009-08-24T21:20:00.000-04:00

We have a lot of "off" conversations in the Twisted household. Last Friday Twisted Son and I engaged in no less than four of these conversations. Here's two that really sum up the interaction in our house:

Twisted Son: Dad, I want you to put on my clothes.
Me: I don't think they'll fit.
TS: (laughing) No, I want you to put on MY clothes.
Me: Really, I'll tear your shirt. They won't fit.
TS: (laughing harder) No, I want you to put on my clothes.
Me: I'm serious. I should probably wear my own clothes today.
TS: (laughing stops) Fine.

A short time later:

Me: So, little man, are you going to go to college?
TS: No.
Me: Well, then, what will you do after high school?
TS: Jump on Mama.
Me: Really, I don't know that there is much of a market for that.
TS: But if I go to college, I may step on someone's wiener.

This kid has Harvard written all over him.

I'm a First Grader!

2009-08-20T21:15:00.002-04:00

This week was Twisted Daughter's first week back to school. Things have definitely changed this year for the Twisted's. TD now spends the whole day at school, for one. And like many children, the one thing that is most interesting to her is lunch. It's almost inconceivable that anyone would eat lunch somewhere other than their house, or in her case, at Twisted G-ma's house. The concept of sitting with her schoolmates eating is like a party every day, and it is all we hear about when we ask, "what did you do today at school?" Her response is always about one of the kids in her class and what they had for lunch. I'm just hoping she learns something this year beyond "Drew had a cinnamon roll with his chicken nuggets." And while we're on the topic of cinnamon rolls, TD has decided she ONLY wants to eat the school lunch on the days where cinnamon rolls are being served. I don't blame her. If I remember correctly, the cinnamon rolls were amazing hot, gooey heaven bits in elementary school.

The one thing I didn't miss over the summer was dropping TD off at school. Thankfully, I got a one-day reprieve from the madness this week when TW did the do. But now that I'm back in the game, I'd like to say a few things to the other parents dropping off their kids:

1. Your Pilates class is NOT as important as my job!
2. I will hit your car if you try to cut in front of me in line... my insurance agent is aware of my temper.
3. Giving me the finger is probably setting a poor example for your children. Trust me, I know.
4. The Twisted Kids are already giants... I can easily turn a blind eye when they steal your kids lunch money.
5. There is a system in place for the driveway and you are DOING IT WRONG!
6. This is NOT the time to have a parent-teacher conference!
7. Your Mercedes will not get scratched if you use the accelerator!
8. Honking will not get the special needs bus to move any faster.
9. You do not have to watch your child all the way to the door. Once she's past the principal, you can leave.
10. DON'T GET OUT OF THE CAR!

Billie Joe Knows What City He's In

2009-08-15T11:45:00.002-04:00

I get excited about nearly every concert I attend. It's not a some-more-than-others situation, either. I get equally excited about all of them. I can honestly say that even when I am forced to go see a band I don't like, I still get excited to see the show. Because that's what's really interesting... the show. Don't misunderstand. I love music. And there is nothing better than going to a concert and seeing incredible musicians put on an amazing show. But there is also something to be said for good musicians putting on an amazing show, as well as incredible musicians putting on a terrible show.

Green Day at the Sprint Center 8/12/09
The opening act was Franz Ferdinand. A band I'd heard a lot on the radio, but never really cared for. I don't say this very often about opening bands, so pay attention. Franz Ferdinand was good, much better live than their recordings. They were a completely different band than what you hear on the radio. The over-produced songs they are pumping into your head by this band are in no way representative of their talent. I also enjoyed the effort they put into getting the crowd excited. They were a true opener. And they did their job better than I've seen in probably ten years.

After Franz Ferdinand left the stage, Twisted Wife left to go use the facilities which gave me the perfect opportunity to check my email and Twitter about the show. I had run into a friend from work, @talkalotamous, and her husband, @kcwineguy. So, I looked around to see if I could find where they were sitting. It wasn't long before TW returned and saw what I was doing. After a few Facebook comments and a couple of tweets, she said, "put it away before you hurt yourself." To which I made a very hurtful remark that I won't repeat here. It's one of those remarks that puts a complete damper on what are supposed to be fun evenings. Every man has done it and we have all regretted it. So, I am telling this story to not only apologize to TW but to apologize to all the wives who have had their nights ruined by their husband's regrettable comments.*

We only sat there for a few more minutes not speaking to one another before the lights went down and Green Day took the stage. As far as rock shows go, Green Day puts on one of the best. Even if you aren't a fan, you get what you pay for when you see Green Day. They played for two and a half hours, played almost every song from the new album, half of the previous album and half of their greatest hits album. They also pulled audience members up onstage to sing with them, stage dive and generally make fun of themselves and their fans. It's a high-energy show. Which leads me to the reasons I will only be giving this show four rockfingers. There is one thing many bands do that annoys the living shit out of me, forced audience participation.

Any time a lead singer stands on stage and has to point the microphone to the crowd to make them sing, or he yells at them to jump around, or he screams to "get your hands up," I get extremely frustrated. First, if the crowd wants to do any of that shit, they will. I don't mind the singers that hear the crowd singing their song and they stop singing to let the crowd sing a chorus. It's the intentional breaks and turning the microphone on the crowd with the expectation that they should do your job that irks me. Second, high-energy music will get people dancing and waving their arms. If you do it, the crowd will mimic. Don't tell us, just do it yourself. Third, Billie Joe really likes to use the name of the city he is in. I didn't count, but my gut is telling me he said Kansas City approximately 200 times during the show. It got a scream every time, but it was annoying after the tenth time. So, that's why I am taking one rockfingers away from Green Day.

Otherwise, this was an amazing show put on by incredible musicians and I highly recommend seeing them when they come to your city. One thing I always look out for at a show like this is a new song that grabs my attention. A song that the band performs that hits me somewhere I don't expect. A song that I will immediately go home and put on my regular playlist that wasn't there before. The song that did that for me at this show was Last Night on Earth. Enjoy!

*Psst, guys, do you think they bought it? If so, you can thank me later. If not, I'm already out of the doghouse. So, get your own blog and apologize to your wife.

Twisted Son's Addiciton

2009-08-11T22:56:00.000-04:00

There is a dark cloud hanging over Twisted Manor. For months, we have been trying to keep Twisted Son's addiction under wraps. But now, it has finally reached a point where we can no longer keep it a secret. Twisted Son is addicted to Lego Star Wars on the Wii. You may be thinking a three year-old could hardly have a video game addiction. Unfortunately, he is as far gone as the Pac Man Fever children of 1982. It all came to a head this weekend when he innocently asked to play Wii. And when I replied that we didn't have time, he immediately started shaking and crying asking, "just one game, Dad. Just one game, please. I gotta play one game." It was pathetic.

Since his episode, we have taken away the Wii. But the incessant questioning has ensued, "can we play games?" He smiles really big and it sounds so sweet, until he says, "c'mon just one game of Lego Star Wars, please. I just need one game." Yes, we are enabling him, but we hate to see him in such pain. He genuinely needs this game. We've tried to help him but the time has come for an intervention. So, we've contacted A&E. I will be sure to keep you updated on his progress.

How to Pronounce Auternus

2009-08-08T23:52:00.002-04:00

There were all sorts of plans made for Friday night. I almost felt popular. Twisted Wife had purchased tickets to Pete Yorn at the Voodoo Lounge. I was a bit lukewarm to this idea because I had recently listened to Pete's latest album and I wasn't all that impressed, but I've never been to the Voodoo Lounge and I was interested in seeing a show there. So, you can see how I was on the fence. Enter Tyson Schroeder. You may know him from his work on Letters from Satan, or his artwork at thegreatandsmall.com. Tyson is also the drummer for (the) medicine theory with another Twisted Friend, Jeff Irvine, of gravity-ink fame. So, when Tyson invited me to go see Jeff's other band at the Aftershock Bar & Grill, you can see how I might have wanted to do that more. Fortunately, Twisted Wife believes I should support my friends' artistic endeavors.

Auternus at the Aftershock Bar & Grill 8/7/09
Not only was this a chance to finally see Jeff's band, Auternus, but it was also my first opportunity to go to the Aftershock Bar & Grill. It did not disappoint. This bar is mediocre music and shitty soundman-friendly, which makes it my least favorite place in Kansas City to see a band. Friday's show was The Fight for Freakers Ball, your typical battle of the bands to see which band plays the local rock station's big festival-esque show. So, there was plenty of mediocre punk, speed metal and whatever a band named Mynd Riot might play (we left before they started playing... wouldn't you?).

Since we were there for Auternus, this is the only band I will review. Plus, I can't remember the names of the two bands that played before them and the band after them were a joke. Their set was impressive even though it was easy to tell they were fighting the inadequate sound system and crew. Unlike the other bands, Auternus' sound was extremely polished and could overcome the technical difficulties. It made the crowd perk up and move toward the stage. As the small crowd amassed and listened to the build of the first song, everyone quickly realized that they were listening to something different. This was not music that they were going to hear on the radio. It was more complex, something that you won't be able to define for others. I compare it to Oceansize, but that's really not a fair comparison.

Unfortunately, the crowd wavered when Josh Q. started singing. For all the care and craftsmanship Auternus put into its music, there needs to be some attention paid to the vocals. I understand that the vocals and lyrics are intended to be minimal... and they are. The band has achieved its goal. But, if vocals are going to be a compliment to the music, they must compliment the music. Josh Q. has a good voice. So it's unfortunate that it isn't being played like the other instruments in Auternus' arsenal.

All in all, the set was incredible. Anyone who is a fan of good music should see them live, buy their CD and force their friends to listen to it... repeatedly, if for nothing else than to hear what real musicians sound like.

Redbox Rally Rehash

2009-08-03T23:37:00.000-04:00

Many of you... er, some of you... um, a couple of you may remember a little segment from Twistedjim.com called Extreme Movie Night Reviews. Well, times at Twisted Manor have changed. Now, instead of renting three movies for three days and attempting to watch all of them in the final three hours, Twisted Wife rents one movie for the Twisted Kids and one movie for us from the Redbox and we try to watch them before we spend the amount it would cost to buy them. This phenomenon has been dubbed The Redbox Rally. So, I give you The Redbox Rally Rehash. And before any of you ask, yes, we know about Netflix.

Watchmen
I was very happy when Twisted Wife decided to nurture my inner comic book dork and rent Watchmen. All she knew was that this was one of the larger volumes on our bookcase shelf full of graphic novels. But to me, it was TW showing that she was paying attention. So, it scored her major points toward an amazing anniversary present next year. Yes, I keep track. Even though she rented this movie for us to watch, she decided that a superhero movie wasn't for her... hmm, just like comic books. Coincidence? Instead, she watched her normal circuit of DIY shows on HGTV.

For me, this was an event. I'd read the graphic novel and expected great things from the movie. You would think that would have been enough for me to have shelled out the $10 to see it in the theater. But, you'd be wrong. Much like every other movie "I want to see," I came up with a litany of reasons to do anything else but see Watchmen in the theater. I would swear there was even a moment where TW offered to go see it with me. So I guess somewhere along the way I made the choice to watch it on DVD after the Internet and everyone at work had ruined the story for me. Thankfully, things turned out different than I expected. It was almost like I wasn't even interested in this movie at all. I didn't read any of the reviews online or listen to anyone's account at work. I generally ignored this movie until it came out on DVD and, upon seeing it in the Best Buy ad, said to Twisted Wife, "Hey, I really wanted to see that movie."

As soon as I had the movie in my hands, I started to question whether or not I should even watch it. Maybe I'd built it up to much and I should just be satisfied with having read the graphic novel. Maybe it would ruin the graphic novel for me. Maybe my ability to block out the buzz wasn't a result of my super-human discipline but, instead, just a sign that there wasn't any. As usual, I ignored my inner pessimist. And I can honestly say I'm glad I did. Despite being long, Watchmen was one of the best comic adaptations I've seen. The casting was a bit sketchy and it did not stay true to the comic, but it was a great movie. Alan Moore's message made it through and only complimented the amazing graphic novel that basically killed superheroes for me until Batman Begins.

Bedtime Stories
For the Twisted Kids, TW rented the Adam Sandler movie, Bedtime Stories. At first, I was wondering if it would be appropriate for the TK's. Was this really a family movie? Turns out, this question would never be answered. The movie could not hold the attention of Twisted Son and Twisted Daughter. While I watched, essentially without sound, the TK's ran through the house screaming, wrestling and having "lightsaber duels." I got the gist of the story, but didn't have to listen to Adam Sandler (or worse, Rob Schneider). So, it was a win-win. And for that I can honestly recommend this as a great family movie. But since I never heard any of the dialogue, I can only give it three rock fingers. Sorry, Adam, better luck next time.

Twisted Family Vacation: The Finale

2009-07-28T22:18:00.004-04:00

So, I promised to end this vacation story two days ago and I'm just now getting around to it... typical. It is not ironic or funny that I have officially taken longer than the actual vacation to tell you the story. But as I look back on this story as a whole, I think about how I've incorporated the oldest trick in the storytelling playbook and dragged you along through a bunch of boring crap just to get to the good part. Or, at least, what I think will be the good part.

Twisted Family Vacation, Part 4: Riding the Teacups
We should have paid attention when people were offering advice about taking the Twisted Kids to Disneyland. People told us they were too young. They told us we need to make sure and take lots of "breaks" during the day. They told us it was a bad idea. But Twisted Wife and I thought these people were crazy. Disneyland is the Happiest Place on Earth and it didn't get that reputation because kids hate going there. So, instead of taking the advice of other parents, we took the advice of the twenty-something working the discount ticket counter at our hotel. Seems perfectly logical, right? She told us that we should catch the first shuttle to the park at 7:30am and go straight to Finding Nemo's Submarine Voyage. And this is exactly what we did... and it started out awesome!

When we got to Disneyland, the TK's were bubbling with excitement. It was hard to hold them back. Their little mouths were gaping as we walked down Mainstreet USA and took pictures with some of the characters. TW and I thought it was going to be a great day. We were making our way through Tomorrowland to get to the submarines when Twisted Son spotted the Star Tours ride. Little known fact, he happens to be the biggest fan of Star Wars and can recite the movies from Episode I to Episode VI in just under an hour. Of course, his recap has a few inaccuracies like Darth Vader being Anakin's father, but he is only three. Cut him some slack, nerds! But when TS saw this ride, he dashed into the entrance leaving the rest of us in his dust. He was immediately stopped by the teenager managing the line and asked to stand against the official Disney measuring stick to see if he was tall enough to ride. To be honest, my heart was racing a little. If he wasn't tall enough, I was going to be in the middle of a tantrum the likes of which Disney had never seen. As he turned to stand under the little sign that said 40 inches, I realized exactly how scared I was. I tried to hold him up a little straighter just to make sure he passed the mark. But as I reached for him, I realized TS is a giant. There was no question that he was taller than the paltry 40 inches required by Disney.

Twisted Wife, on the other hand, was having a completely different experience. As TS and I ran, TD stopped dead in her tracks. There was no way she was going into a dark building full of droids and laser beam sounds, and she was letting everyone in the park know about it. There were tears and screams echoing through Anaheim. And, to keep people from thinking we were beating TD, TW gave me the look of "go ahead, I'll wait here." Instead of mouthing "thank you" in appreciation, I just turned and chased after TS happy that I wasn't anywhere near TD. I mean, at least I wasn't going to get disapproving looks from the other parents. Instead I was going to ride STAR TOURS! As we exited the ride, TW and TD were standing there. It wasn't a pretty scene. The red, puffy circles around TD's eyes told the whole story. She was tired and scared, which really aren't the emotions you want your kids to experience at Disneyland. We decided this would all get better once we rode Finding Nemo's Submarine Voyage. So, off we went to find the ride.

As we got close to the ride, everything seemed to be okay. TD had calmed down and she stood in line anticipating a fun ride. We were lucky, and boarded the second submarine of the day. As we went down below and found our seats, TD started to whimper. Sure, the submarine was a little dark, but this was nothing to be scared of. She grabbed my arm and pulled herself as close to me as she could get. I pointed out the porthole, "C'mon, TD, this will be fun." She looked at me like I was crazy. As soon as the ride started, I knew we were in trouble. The lights went out and the fake French accent came over the intercom. TD was shaking. We went through the shark part. TD put the death-grip on my arm. And then... BOOM! The submarine hit a mine, and TD hit the roof. I tried to calm her down by reassuring her that the ride was just like the movie and I would never let anything hurt her. All the while, she was cutting off the circulation to my fingers. It was the ultimate Disney nightmare. I was wishing for the ride to be over. And as soon as we were off the submarine, everything seemed okay... everything seemed okay. The crying ended and we agreed never to ride the submarines again. We moved on to Storybookland and rode the teacups without incident. In fact, TD loved the teacups!

After the spinning stopped, TS and I decided we should ride Peter Pan's Flight. As the Twisted Family made their way over to the ride, TD started crying and screaming. She was not going to ride ANYTHING in the dark. Again, Twisted Wife resigned to staying with TD, and TS and I went off to ride Peter Pan. As we stood in line, I started to think about the two Twisted's we left behind. And I started to get angry... and confused. TD should be having fun and crying was just not allowed at The Happiest Place on Earth. After we flew through Neverland, we returned to find TW and TD sitting on a bench both visibly upset. I tried to swallow my anger at the situation and diffuse what was going on, but it had already gone too far. The entire Twisted Family stood there in the middle of Storybookland and yelled at one another. TD would not ride anything but the teacups. TW was in tears. And I was pissed that I had ever taken time off work to come to California. It was ugly. But it got uglier. Finally, the ultimate declaration was made...

"Goddamnit, YOU ARE RUINING OUR VACATION!" I yelled at a crying Twisted Daughter.

It seemed like everyone in Disneyland stopped and gasped. Was I a bad father for saying this to my daughter? Yes, I was. This was without a doubt the worst moment in parenting... ever. But this one statement led to one of the biggest lessons of the trip:

LESSON #3: Family vacations are NEVER about you.

So, you're wondering what happened next. Did we get on a plane and come home? Were we thrown out of Disneyland? Did TD ever stop crying? Well, we took a long "break" back at the hotel and the vacation resumed. We had some fun at Disney's California Adventure and we ended up going back to Disneyland and saw Dog: The Bounty Hunter on It's a Small World, which was awesome! We rode the rides that TD wanted to ride and talked her into a few that she didn't. It was kind of some fun. But it was no where close to the vacation that TW and I had envisioned.

Twisted Family Vacation, Epilogue: California to Arkansas
After California, we drove to Arkansas to visit the Twisted Parents. The drive was still a bit tense, but I looked forward to a nice relaxing weekend. I was glad to see my folks, but it was only minutes after we got there that we began to recount our time in California. The TP's were very understanding. And, much like every after school movie, Twisted Mom had some great advice.

"No matter how crappy the vacation was for you, the TK's will remember it forever."

At first this didn't make me very happy. I thought about how badly I had scarred TD. It only took a few questions from Twisted Mom to the TK's to find out what she meant. The kids raved about their time at Disneyland, California Adventure, the hotel and the beach. It made everything... er, almost... okay.

Twisted Family Vacation: California (continued)

2009-07-25T10:02:00.000-04:00

NOTE: Before I start the third installment of the Twisted Family vacation recap, I want to let you know about one of the many Twisted Friends out there that really needs your help. Please take some time to visit Allyson's site, and join me tonight for The Frickin' Frolic.

There are so many things to learn as a parent when you take your children on vacation. I truly bonded with the Twisted Kids, created some really deep emotional scars and hope that we will all look back on this and laugh at some point. But until that time comes, I'm hoping that the TK's are optimists and remember the fun parts of this vacation, while Twisted Wife and I beat ourselves up over the not-so-fun parts.

Twisted Family Vacation, Part 3: What I Learned at the Beach
In some ways, I hope this site can help other dads learn from my mistakes. I make a lot of them. So, this should be a great resource. I'm also not afraid of my own short-comings and will be happy to point out that I lack patience, which is something that you really need when dealing with the TK's. I also tend to romanticize things like... um... family vacations and get really edgy when things, inevitably, go wrong. So, picking up where I left off, we headed to the beach.

On our way, TW and I made a deal with the TK's that we were only going to "stick our feet in the water" and not get wet and sandy. This was our first huge mistake leading to our first big lesson:

LESSON #1: Kids cannot go to the beach without getting wet and sandy.

You would think we would already know this, but we decided to ignore common sense. I mean, really, we were on vacation. Common sense is definitely something you leave at home. Sparkling reminders came fast and furious for the rest of our time in California. As we drove closer to Huntington Beach, TW began to wince. The parking lots were packed full of cars and RV's. It was a scene right out of Summer Rental. TW's vision of the beach was white sand and quiet, not people packed shoulder-to-shoulder with tents, coolers and floaties everywhere (we could play a game of "spot the lack of common sense" but there are too many examples for one person to count). Regardless, we paid $20 to park and walked a half mile to let the TK's "stick their feet in the water."

It is an instinctual reaction when children see the ocean, they run into the first wave they see and are immediately thrown on to the sand soaking their clothes and covering them in sand. And we definitely proved that the TK's were normal children within minutes of arriving at the beach. TW and I tried to hold them back, but we were fighting the instincts of the children as well as our own. As we walked further into the water, we knew that a big wave was coming and we had made the second huge mistake of the trip:

LESSON #2: Never take kids to the beach without their swimsuits.

Of course, without packing our common sense, these two lessons led to the Twisted Family walking down the beach with TW and I yelling at the TK's in an effort to keep them out of the water. Finally, we had to put ourselves between the TK's and the water. Essentially, we were blocking out for the ocean. Yes, it sounds much more stupid now than it did at the time. The funniest thing about this story... we went to Newport Beach and repeated the scenario before finally learning our lesson at Venice Beach two days later.

Amazingly, TW and I never found our common sense on this trip. Our parental instincts never kicked in... and we went to Disneyland. Can you see the fun that's coming in the fourth and final installment of the Twisted Family Vacation Recap. Tune in tomorrow for the finale.

Twisted Family Vacation: California

2009-07-21T22:36:00.000-04:00

So, Twisted Wife called an audible and off we went to Anaheim. It had been almost a year since we'd taken a week-long vacation and TW and I had visions of getting a deserved break from work, including relaxing on the beach and some Disney-style fun. We dreamed about how much the Twisted Kids would love Disneyland. So much so, that we decided to keep the theme parks a secret from the TK's until we arrived. It was a brilliant plan that had absolutely no flaws. This was, undoubtedly going to be the best Twisted Family vacation ever!

Twisted Family Vacation, Part 2: Flying Kids and Rental Cars
Everything started as planned... perfect. We got up, got dressed and made it to the airport in time to check-in and get through security. We were happy. A bunch of happy, little vacationers with smiles ear-to-ear. As most of you know, I don't really like airports. It's like people who have a fear of hospitals. I don't mind flying, I just hate airports. I generally chalk up any issues that happen at the airport to my hatred of them. So, it didn't phase me when the Continental customer service rep stapled our boarding passes together stating "this makes it so much easier for the TSA." Only to get in line, hand the TSA worker our boarding passes and have him say, "Sir, I need them separated for each passenger." This was a no-brainer. Of course he needed them separated. And why wouldn't he? If for no other reason than the Continental rep thinking her staple job would make it easier on him.

I figured if that was the worst thing that happened in the airport, then I was getting off easy. Our flights were cheap because we took a last-minute Expedia deal and we had a lay-over in Houston. I personally believe that TW slipped an extra hundred to Expedia to get four seats in a row, three on one side of the aisle and one across the aisle. I'm sure you can guess who sat in between the Twisted Kids. Psst, it wasn't TW. I spent my flight acting as their personal butler, providing headphones and iPods, snacks and coloring book advice. I re-buckled seat belts as they mysteriously came undone and tapped TS on the legs when his feet started jabbing the passenger in front of him. It was a pretty sweet gig except I didn't get paid, unless you count the piece of Fruit Roll-Up TS gave me. The saving grace, Continental shows movies on their flights to Houston. Monsters vs. Aliens... enough said.

On the second leg of our flight, TW was not so lucky. She drew TD as her seat-mate and I took the boy. As luck would have it, they served something they were calling "lunch" on this flight. It consisted of some chopped lettuce, a roll with some barbecue-like processed meat filling and a fun-size bag of M&M's. TS was now in love with the flight attendant, because anyone that brings him M&M's is officially the love of his life until he eats them all. Immediately, the woman sitting next to TS became jealous when she saw how enamored he was with the flight attendant and she offered up what was left of her M&M's. She placed them on the cocktail napkin on her tray and pushed them close enough for TS to reach. He looked at me to ensure it was okay, but I think I sent some mixed signals. He spent the next 30 minutes doing a stealth pinching move each time he wanted an M&M. He would move his hand along his armrest pinching at the air as if it were something he does all the time. It was his way of making the woman comfortable with his odd movements, not wanting to cause any alarm with some out-of-the-ordinary grab or sudden movement. He would slowly pinch the air until he was close to the M&M's and then simply pinch one into his mouth. It was very clever. I don't think the lady suspected that TS was stealing the M&M's she'd laid out for him.

Finally, we arrived at the famous John Wayne Airport in Orange County. Until I landed there, I didn't know that the famous John Wayne Airport even existed. And to be honest, I don't think anyone that lands there knows it exists prior to landing there. Everyone looks slightly dazed as they walk through. I'm sure some of the older passengers think they have died and gone to join The Duke in heaven. Because, we all know, that's what heaven looks like... Orange County. We quickly collected our bags and agreed that after we got our rental car and checked in at the hotel, we would go to the beach. Another great plan hatched by the Twisted Family. As we walked to the Enterprise desk we all smiled that same goofy tourist smile of "we're here." But the smile was gone as soon as we saw the line of people waiting to get their rental cars. And so the waiting game began.

As we stood, I remembered that TW had said something about renting a convertible. So I asked, "what kind of car is it again?"
"It's a Sebring or Mustang," she said.
"Perfect!" I said, not even thinking that we had two children and luggage with us.
"Hey kids, mommy rented a convertible."
TD's eyes lit up, "Awesome!"
TS repeated his sister's sentiment.

When we finally got checked in and made it to the parking garage, we were met by a young lady asking for our names and papers. She ducked behind the small counter, returning with maps and keys to our car. "It's this one over here," she pointed to a black 2009 Mustang convertible. "Oh, you're lucky, it has a trunk." She looked at our luggage and then looked at the TK's. I couldn't quite tell if she was sizing up the kids to go in the trunk and the luggage in the backseat or the other way around. Turned out she was talking about the luggage in the trunk. And as expected, it didn't fit. You may be thinking that we did end up with the TK's in the trunk. Not so. Instead, they had to ride to the hotel with TW's suitcase in between them in the backseat.

Check-in at the hotel was uneventful until we got to the room. TS immediately asked, "why are we staying here?"
"This is our room for the next few days," TW tried to explain.
"But where will I sleep?"
"In the bed."
"I don't want to stay here."
"It's only for a few days," I jumped in.
"NO!"
"C'mon, TS, let's go to the beach," TW tried to change the subject.
"But where will I sleep, and get milk, and where's the couch, and the family room..."
This went on all the way to the beach.

Stay Tuned: More vacation recap to come, including my review of Disneyland and Legoland.

Twisted Family Vacation: Introduction

2009-07-19T23:28:00.003-04:00

I've found that there is no better time to redesign your website and start a new blog than right before a week-long vacation. It gives you the opportunity to promise all your friends that you are once again going to become active online only to drop the ball for a week. I think it really gives everyone the chance to let the new design sink in and realize that I am the same old lazy-ass I was before I redesigned the site.

So, one or two of you is probably wondering why I didn't simply blog while I was on vacation. Well, you would have to know Twisted Wife. She believes that there are a roving band of Internet thieves that lurk on all the blogs waiting for someone to talk about being on vacation. And while that unsuspecting blogger is away, the Internet thieves look up their address on Google and break into their house. But when I looked up the Internet thieves on Google, (a little reverse engineering, as you do) all I got was warnings about stealing copyrighted material and phishing. Don't get me wrong. I love the fact that TW thinks my blog is important enough to attract would-be criminals. I mean, I'm kind of a big deal with about seven or eight people... all of which we know... and they don't want any of our shit. But to keep my awesome reputation in tact with TW, I honored her wishes. Which brings us to the vacation recap that starts here.

Twisted Family Vacation, Part 1: The Planning
About a month ago, Twisted Wife and I were sitting in our living room discussing how crappy our schedules were. She was busy at work, but things were slowing down. And I was really busy at work with no signs of slowing. As we danced around the subject of a summer vacation, commercials kept coming on that reminded us how nice it would be to sit on a beach and relax. I started thinking Corona and Cialis were trying to tell me something beyond getting drunk and having sex. In their simple-yet-smutty way, they were telling me I needed a vacation... where I might get drunk and have sex. Of course, TW had a different vacation in mind. It still included the beach but it also included the Twisted Kids. And there went the drunken sex.

We decided to spend the next week deciding on a destination and mode of transportation. Again, TW and I were not on the same page. I let her come up with the destination. She chose Destin, FL. We'd traveled through a time or two and she had somehow got the romantic notion it was the land of white-sand beaches and relaxation. I thought of it as where I will go when I turn 60 and buy my first pair of white patent leather shoes (with matching belt, duh). The "rub" was that TW wanted to drive to Florida. Let's take a moment and let that sink in... Driving to Florida? With the Twisted Kids? Again, let's pause a moment. As any good defense attorney will tell you, when the prosecution has not made their case, simply rest your case. Don't call a witness, don't construct an argument, don't bother, you've won. And thus, I thought there was absolutely no point in arguing a nearly 20-hour drive with the TK's. This one was in the bag as soon as TW woke up from her momentary dementia.

Not only did it not wear off, TW convinced me over the course of the next few days that driving to Florida was a good idea. AND, we upped the ante by deciding the trip should be a true road trip. In other words, we were not booking hotels or planning stops along the way, whatever happened, happened. Yes, we thought this was a good idea! Let me put some context around this. We actually thought putting a 3 and 6 year-old in a car and driving 20 hours without any plans whatsoever would be fun. And that's the moment I knew we were both working way too hard and we truly needed a vacation. We had lost all sense of reality. It was like tripping, we could hear the evil words coming out of our mouths but they all sounded like rainbows and sunshine. As we told people our plans, they looked at us with a look of sheer horror, as if we were telling them we were going to slaughter babies on vacation. And we smiled that crazy, brainwashed cult smile telling them that it was going to be "fun."

This went on for a week. We made our plans and scheduled our vacations at work. We got anxious as the days flew by and we got closer to being "unplugged" from our daily lives. With five days to go, I got the call from TW.

"It's going to be rainy in Destin all week. What do you think about a Plan B?" She said.
"Plan B?" I'm a moron. So, this is my typical answer-a-question-with-the-last-few-words-of-her-question response when talking to TW.
"Yes, how about California?"
(You know my responses from here on out, see above.)

She went on to tell me that she was seconds away from booking flights and hotels to Anaheim. We were going to Disneyland, Legoland, to visit my cousins and we'd fly back in time to go visit the Twisted Parents the following weekend. It sounded great.

UPDATE: Tyson, this is just the first installment of the vacation recap. Stay tuned for "Part 2: The Theme Parks," "Part 3: The Beaches" and "Part 4: The Grandparents."

Name That Tune... The Answers

2009-07-10T14:00:00.001-04:00

I want to thank everyone for watching Twisted Daughter's movie over and over trying to figure out the songs she was playing. In her mind, she has become a celebrity and has asked me if she can be Paris Hilton's new bff or if she can have The Jonas Brothers play at her 7th birthday party. Sorry, little one, the answer is NO!

And now... the answers:

1. John Williams - Star Wars Main Title Theme
2. Beck - E-Pro
3. Asia - Heat of the Moment
4. Styx - Mr. Roboto
5. Nirvana - Drain You
6. Rihanna - SOS

There it is! We had two players that got three correct answers, @Goodigirl and @DaveElliott (a husband-and-wife team). Thanks again, everyone.

Is Free Local Theater Really Free?

2009-07-09T23:03:00.001-04:00

Last night, Twisted Wife and I took the Twisted Kids to Theatre in the Park's production of High School Musical. You are probably thinking the same thing I was thinking when TW brought this idea to me, "Hmm... a local production of a horrifying Disney franchise about high school kids that spontaneously break into song... NO!" But then TW pulled out the wild card, FREE. That's right, our good friends at SureWest (a company that I've supported as a long-time customer and former Marketing Manager) were offering a free night of TK-friendly entertainment. And that's how I ended up at The Theatre in the Park.

High School Musical at The Theatre in the Park, 7/8/09
The night started strong with Mexican food, which is always a risky choice when you are planning on sitting outdoors in the heat for a few hours in an uncomfortable camping chair. A two-for-$7 margarita and Pollo Magnifico later, my stomach was telling me this was going to be a difficult evening while my head was saying, "another margarita might make the play watchable." Head beats stomach. Unfortunately, time beats head, and one margarita was going to have to suffice.

One thing about going to a customer appreciation event hosted by a company where you are a former employee is that you will run into people you know. It's like going to the company picnic of a company where you flipped your boss the bird as you told him exactly where he could shove your job. In other words, it's awesome. Thankfully, SureWest only hires the friendliest people in the city. So, I was greeted with hugs, handshakes and smiles. Yes, they are that friendly.

By the time TW and I argued about a place to sit and TS ate 2/3 of a bag of Swedish Fish, the play had started. TD quickly settled in and stared at the stage as if Spongebob was mooning the crowd. It was the same stare that I have while watching Rock of Love. You know it sucks, but you can't believe just how much. Granted, High School Musical is like a six year-old's strip club. Disney musical numbers are as good as full-frontal nudity and not even the ugliest actors can screw it up. TS, on the other hand, decided it was time to ask a lot of questions. And when no one would answer, he resorted to taking off his shirt and running around as if he were the drunk asshole you see at every rock show playing air guitar and drooling on himself.

The highlight of the show was right after intermission. Again, the good folks at SureWest came through with solid entertainment by handing out glow necklaces to all the kids. This led to an amazing neon light show once the house lights went down. It was like a rave... without the XTC, dancing or obnoxious music. All in all, the local actors did a great job and the Twisted Family had a ball.

Name That Tune..

2009-07-08T01:00:00.002-04:00

I decided it would be best to start things off with a little game. So, with no further ado, I give you...

NAME THAT TUNE... as played by a six year-old on a kazoo!

Watch the video below to see the lovely and talented Twisted Daughter rip through some of her favorite songs on her kazoo. Then go to Twitter and tweet your answers to @rockfathers (you can follow me too, you know, while you're there). You can also go watch this and other videos on my brand new Rockfathers on YouTube channel. That's right, I'm all over this social media stuff. Then, come back here on 7/10, Friday, and I will post the answers. That's it! Play! Have fun! Enjoy!

Welcome to Rockfathers

2009-07-05T18:28:00.002-04:00

Welcome to my mid-life crisis! I've decided instead of buying a Corvette and fucking a twenty-something that I would embrace the fact that I'm getting older. Today I looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, you're an adult! I know because I see a ass load of gray hair on your head."

And that moment turned into this, a new website. I've decided to focus on my life as it is now. I'm a reluctant suburbanite, a dad of two who loves good music and believes most "daddy" blogs suck. I'm not fond of having neighbors, as they are most likely not fond of me. I'm still coming to grips with having kids and living past the age of 27 (when rock 'n' roll genius dies). Truth is, I am a mediocre guitar, keyboard and bass player who was lucky enough to stand on a stage in front of some tiny crowds and do something I loved.

Now, I'm a writer due to one of my dearest friend's suggestion that my lyrics were better than any song I ever wrote. I've written some books, short stories and poetry. For the last six years, I've been Twisted Jim, blogging about anything that came to mind. Some days I was funny and others... well, not. But Twisted Jim is dead and Rockfathers is born!