Twisted Jim

So Close to Seeing a Summer Blockbuster

2008-05-07T22:50:00.001-04:00

Okay, so Iron Man is more of a Spring blockbuster. Nonetheless, I was giddy when Twisted Daughter asked if we could go see it last Sunday. I thought, "Holy crap! I'm going to get to see a movie only days after it opens." This never happens, thus Extreme Movie Night Reviews was born. So, instead of having to write a review after viewing 30 minutes of the DVD because it is late for return, I was going to review one of the hottest movies so far this year.

Iron Man Review
As some of you may know, I am a nerd. Not just any type of nerd, but a Comic Book Dork. I know, I know. It's hard to believe that I have spent an outrageous amount of time and money to read about the ultimate struggle between men in tights, masked villains with overactive Napoleon complexes and scantily clad, well-endowed bimbos. And out of the stacks and stacks of books one hero stood above all the others... Iron Man. I can't remember a time when I've ever said any superhero but Iron Man was my favorite. Anyone? Sure, I like Batman because he's dark and Superman because he's strong. But Iron Man is everything I need in a superhero. Tony Stark is a wealthy industrialist, which, no matter how you slice it, makes him a total dick. He didn't inherit his wealth like that pussy Bruce Wayne. Nope, he was a genius inventor who made a shit-ton of money by, most likely, exploiting his workers and building weapons. Thus, Iron Man is born, a crime fighting suit worn by a philandering douche. He even had that swinger moustache. Yes, Tony Stark is the perfect candidate for superhero-dom. Even now, Stan Lee's brilliance makes me smile.

Needless to say, I was amped to go see this movie and share my love of Iron Man with Twisted Daughter who has adopted many of my loves in her short life. Just like Asia's Heat of the Moment, I was sure TD would pick up on the magnitude of this amazing tidbit of pop culture. So, I tossed her in the car and drove to the AMC 30-Plex in Olathe for the matinée. During the drive, she kept making gunshot, explosion and jet noises in anticipation of seeing my hero zip across the screen and blow up as much shit as possible all in the name of justice. I should have been telling her it was bad to blow people up, but instead I cheered her on with loud shouts of "Are you READY!" To which she would scream, "YES! IRON MAN!" immediately followed by another rash of explosion noises. It was awesome.

We were about five minutes late when we pulled into the parking lot. But with previews, I figured we had another ten minutes before the movie started. So, we got tickets, popcorn and drinks as quickly as possible and ran to theater #7. The place was packed with kids and parents laughing and shouting through the first preview for Mike Meyer's upcoming movie, The Love Guru. TD and I found two seats on the aisle near the front which had a terribly distorted view of the screen, but I didn't care. This was going to be fun and I wasn't going to let awful seats spoil it. The second trailer was for The Dark Knight. TD quickly turned her head and started slurping her lemonade soas not to see Heath Ledger's Joker. Granted, it is pretty creepy. Before the third preview, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, could get rolling, TD leaned over and said, "I need to go to the potty." She had just gone at home, but I jumped out of my seat and shuffled her to the restroom.

Once she had exhausted her fake peeing, we started back to the theater. As soon as I pulled open the door, TD turned and said, "No, Daddy, I don't want to see Iron Man."

I was screaming in my head, but my heart wouldn't let me scream at TD. I turned and knelt down to be at her level and asked why. No answer. I asked if the Batman preview had scared her. No answer. I told her that we needed to go back into the theater or we were going to miss the movie.

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE IRON MAN! AAAAHHHH!" The high-pitched screaming echoed through the theater, caused dogs to bark in the distance and set off all the car alarms in the parking lot. It even got the twenty-something manager to get off his ass and come down to the door of theater #7.

"Sir, is there a problem?"

"No, she's just a little scared from the Batman trailer."

The manager smiled, "that one's awesome."

I asked TD again if we could go back into the theater for the movie. Quickly a second blast of high-pitched wailing that sounded like "No" rippled through the building. In the back of my head, I could see myself picking her up and trying Tom-and-Jerry-style to force her through the door. But I knew she would grab the door frame, go boneless or scream until I had no more fight in me. I was screwed. At this realization, I bent down to TD and in my most fatherly voice I said, "I'm very disappointed." She looked at the ground and acted as if she knew what disappointed meant.

As we walked out of the theater, me boiling and TD no longer scared, she looked at me and said, "Iron Man is a good movie for people who don't get scared during the previews." A most fitting review.

Real Good Marketing: Really... I'm Not Obsessed

2008-05-05T22:17:00.004-04:00

NOTE: This is a new recurring segment for twistedjim.com. Yes, I am actually going to start talking about the business I am in. Sorry, but it's time.

For the past year, when clients and colleagues ask what are my favorite brands or who has marketed their product better than anyone else, I point the finger at two entities. Can you guess? I'm sure some of you would say Apple because of my iPod fetish. Wrong! Maybe Starbucks because that's what everyone says. Nope. The two best brands have been [adult swim] and Nine Inch Nails.

With the whole Boston-Terrorist Marketing Plan, Metalocalypse and Candy Mountain Massacre, [adult swim] has taken cartoons to a whole new universe. These guys aren't just raising the bar, their holding it over everyone's heads and making them jump for it. Only to jerk it away when anyone gets close.

Trent Reznor has shown everyone in the music business that allowing people to remix your music in GarageBand, playing cryptic on and offline games with your fans and giving away your latest album is the secret to success.

These are just two companies that are doing it right in my opinion. They have realized that their fans are the absolute of their success and embraced them with both arms. By giving up the tight control of their industries, they have become the new model for business in the 21st century. Everyone else get in line.

The Jack White Show... Sorry, That's The White Stripes

2008-04-30T07:12:00.002-04:00

Last night I did what I said I would never do again... I went back to The Uptown Theater. I know it's been less than a month, back off! I realized after I bought my tickets to The Raconteurs that I was going back to the band slaughterhouse. I knew the sound was going to suck, and I went into the show being heartbroken because I was really looking forward to seeing this band.

The Raconteurs: The Uptown Theater 4/29/08
This show should have been the jewel in Twisted Wife's crown. For those of you that don't know the story, TW is always recommending bands to me. 9 times out of 10, I am lukewarm on her referrals, 50% of the time the bands simply suck. The White Stripes were no different. Despite the critical acclaim, I just couldn't bring myself to drink the Kool-Aid. I firmly believed this was an over-hyped band during a time when the music industry was grasping for any hope of survival in the rock genre. This was until one summer night at Starlight Theater when TW tricked me into attending The White Stripes show (she's pissed right now that I used the word "tricked"). Needless to say, I was sold after the first song. Jack White deserves the praise. He is an incredible musician. So, TW can honestly say that she turned me on to The White Stripes and Jack White.

Unfortunately, TW wasn't really excited about the show. Due to the lack of radio-play for The Raconteurs, she felt she didn't know any of their songs. And if TW can't sing along... she's not a very fun concert date (now she's even more pissed, that's two). Begrudgingly, she resigned herself to the idea that she was going to sit and watch me enjoy a band that I liked and she was lukewarm on.

NOTE: I'm going to start into the review here and I am not going to talk about the opening band, Birds of Avalon. Reason being, I didn't like them. They weren't bad enough to make fun of and they weren't good enough for me to review. Their music was fine... for someone else.

For this show, TW and I decided to mix it up. Instead of standing on the floor, we decided to relax a bit and find some seats in the balcony. I liked this arrangement, because, unlike the 19 year-old girls in the front row, I had no notions that Jack White was going to pull me up on stage a la Dancing in the Dark and dance with me. And it's a good thing. I'm a shitty dancer. One thing the balcony at The Uptown does afford concert-goers is enhanced crappy sound. There is absolutely no definition in the lower registers in this building. If you are a bass player at The Uptown, walk on stage, turn on your amp, slap the strings and take the night off. There is just a low humming in place of bass lines. It's awesome!

Fortunately for me (I'm over 30 and have a job), the band started playing early. I fully expected this to be similar to a White Stripes... er, The Jack White Show. Was I ever wrong. The Raconteurs are not a supergroup. They seem to leave the egos behind and play. And have fun doing it. You may be saying to yourself, "Isn't that what bands are supposed to do?" Yes, but more often than not, they don't. Especially, when one member of the band gets all the attention. It's a good thing the non-Jack White members of The Raconteurs (Brendan Benson, Patrick Keeler and Jack Lawrence) are all amazing musicians in their own right. Even when Jack starts to dominate the show, the others reel him back in to being nothing more than a lead guitarist and singer. It was very fun to watch the yo-yoing as Jack was constantly reminded that the four other people on stage were not Meg White. It's not very often I get to see five extremely talented musicians play for fun... or, at least act like that's what they're doing. It was inspiring.

Generally, I judge a show by how the band sounds and if they leave me with a renewed feeling of excitement about their music. This time the renewed feeling of excitement for songs like Blue Veins, Rich Kid Blues, You Don't Understand Me and Store Bought Bones far outweighed the sub-par sound of The Uptown Theater.

And after the show was over, I could see I'd returned the favor to TW.

Conversations with a Four Year-Old: Bluetooth Headsets

2008-04-23T18:15:00.001-04:00

I should have seen this one coming.

TD: Daddy what does that man have in his ear?
Me: It's a Bluetooth headset.
TD: He looks funny.
Me: That's not a nice thing to say. Don't stare.
TD: Why does he have a Bluetooth headset.
Me: Because he's talking on the phone.
TD: What? That's not a phone!
Me: Well, he's not talking to himself.
TD: How do you know?
Me: I'm sure he's a very important man making a very important call.
TD: How do you know?
Me: Because nobody wants to have some stupid piece of plastic hanging out of their ear unless they have to.
TD: Then why does that lady and that kid and that guy have Bluetooth headsets? Are they important too? Aren't you important, Daddy?
Me: No, I'm just naturally funny looking.

Kansas = Disrespect

2008-04-08T23:01:00.003-04:00

I'll admit, I'm a bandwagon sports fan. I like to watch sports every now and again, but only when the story is good. You know, like The Natural or Hoosiers. I root for the underdog. I believe in Cinderella teams. I want my team to win. I can't stand powerhouse dynasties in any sport. I will turn off the TV when the Yankees take the field, the Patriots snap the ball or Tiger picks up a club, unless they are about to break a record. I have a soft spot for watching history in the making. Generally, my March Madness subsides pretty quickly. But this year was my year. I watched Davidson knock off team after team until they met up with the team I just can't force myself to root against.

I hold a degree from the University of Kansas, now known nationwide as the NCAA Mens Basketball National Champions. And although I say that with a slight sense of pride, it doesn't make my degree any more valuable. And as I read the stories today, I realize last night's victory in the national limelight doesn't get Kansas any more respect. Instead of focusing on a phenomenal game, writers are not calling it a win for Kansas but instead a loss for Memphis. They melted down. It was their game to lose. Wah, wah, wah. That's okay, though. I've gotten used to sports writers being morons... oh, and living in Kansas.

Yes, Kansas livin' comes with many perks. The first of which is people automatically thinking you are a farmer and have livestock in and around your homestead. Or that my idea of a mansion is a double-wide trailer. Or, possibly my favorite, that I somehow know Dorothy and Toto. Although these are all completely true. I also understand how you town folk live (that's right, I said "town folk"). Y'all got them tiny million dollar closets you live in that need fifteen locks to protect you from all the terrorists and criminals, and you're rude to one another, and you all do drugs and drink martinis at clubs that you wait three hours and pay $1,000 to get into, and you like to say, "That's hot," or "fierce," or "fab."

See, now isn't that almost as stupid as thinking I know Dorothy or Toto?

You Got No Fear of the Uptown Theater...

2008-04-03T23:04:00.002-04:00

That's why it will not survive! Once again, I attend a concert at the Uptown Theater in downtown Kansas City. And, once again, the sound sucks. I'd rather see the best band in the world mixed by a blind chimp in a closet than go to a show at the Uptown ever again. Every sound man that visits mistakes this small theater for an arena and completely screws the great bands that play there. Last night the victim was Spoon. Beyond their technical problems onstage, their sound man turned them into a washed-out sonic nightmare of feedback, echo, hiss and static. I know how bad the sound at the Uptown can be. I've actually played there. My instinct says that Larry Sells, Uptown owner, decided to install a huge sound system in his small theater. Why do it right when you can do it big, right? After all, the real money in owning a historic building comes from renting it out for office parties, receptions and seminars... not concerts. Yet, good bands still play the Uptown, and I have been forced to go there. But after last night, no more!

Spoon: The Uptown Theater 4/2/08
I can honestly say that I was not an early fan of Spoon. Only three of their albums, Girls Can Tell, Gimme Fiction and their latest Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga, have left me anything more than lukewarm. For the longest time, Twisted Wife would say, "You want to go see Spoon? They're in Lawrence tonight." Of course, this question would come right after I was all comfortable on the couch watching The Bachelor. And we all know how Twisted Jim loves hisself some Bachelor!

Last night, I finally gave into the urge to go see Britt Daniel and company. If you know nothing about Spoon, know this. They are very good songwriters, and, thankfully, that cuts it for this band. They don't come out and put on a show, and they were a little bit off as musicians last night. I'll cut them a little bit of slack since they were playing at the Uptown (see above) and they were experiencing some technical difficulties. But all in all, this seemed like a tour warm-up show... not the "victory lap" it was billed as.

Enough of the bad, let's talk about the good. Comedian Greg Behrendt used to do a bit about rock shows for people over 30. His idea was that musicians should put on two shows at every venue. One for those under 30 that started at 9:00, has three opening bands and ends well after midnight. The other show would be for those of us over 30. It would start at 7:00, the headliner would come out and play their hits and everyone would be home before 10:00. The show last night was almost a perfect mixture, two mediocre opening bands, half the hits and I was home by 11:00. So close, but just short of perfect.

As for the songs, they played great renditions of The Underdog (sans horns), I Summon You, You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb, I Turn My Camera On, Lines in the Suit and The Fitted Shirt. They left out a few of my favorites like Believing is Art and The Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine but I haven't been to a show yet where the band played everything I wanted to hear. After sleeping on it, the show was good enough to receive two rock fingers... but I'll throw in the third because hometown hero Rob Pope is now on bass.

The First Comic Strip That Doesn't Suck

2008-03-26T23:47:00.002-04:00

Okay, I know I'm late to the game and there are many comic strips that don't suck. But garfield minus garfield is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. I would put this up just under Metalocalypse and The Boondocks. Enjoy!

My Name is Jim... I'm an Internet Addict

2008-03-25T23:37:00.001-04:00

Hi Jim! I am so going to get disability on this one. There's a growing movement to add Internet Addiction to psychiatry's official guidebook of mental disorders. Finally, doctors who understand me will be able to prescribe drugs to cure me. The best part is I won't have to fake being a sex addict anymore. I really thought that one would move faster and get me to "disabled" status more quickly. Nope. I think this Internet Addiciton-thing is going to be the ticket. I'm so excited, I think I'll Twitter.

Old Men Scrambling for Loose Change

2008-03-24T18:31:00.003-04:00

What do Billy Bragg, Paul McGuinness and Metallica have in common? They've all made a lot of money the old fashioned way... in the music business. Much like the fat and lazy music industry execs, these boys are pissed because the business model they've followed for their entire careers is falling apart thanks to technological innovation and they have no idea how to catch up. Welcome to the 21st century, gents!

So, instead of adapting to the shift in paradigm, these poor dinosaurs are bitching, moaning and blaming everyone in sight for their lack of business acumen. You heard me, these men that have made multi-million dollar careers in one of the most difficult and complex industries in existence cannot figure out how to make money on the Internet. Are they serious? I know all of these men employ marketing firms. U2, Billy Bragg, Metallica, they all have websites. Hmm, maybe they just haven't figured out that they have a marketable product. Wait a minute! Do they have a marketable product?

Let's face it. In the 21st century recorded music is no longer the product... the band is. The initial business model of the music industry was to use the recorded music as a promotional tool to get people to come to the shows. And any band worth a shit knows the shows are where the big, BIG money is made. I'm surprised that bands like Metallica haven't come out with their own music servers that pump free music directly into your iPods every time you plug it into charge (along with little ads for the shows in your area). Look, U2 had enough forethought to get their own iPod, but they want to blame the ISPs when people download their music for free. It makes no sense. They're blaming their fans when they half-assed their own marketing plan. And Billy, you've always been a cult sensation, inventive, innovative. But now you've decided to add lazy bitch to that list.

It's a shame that musicians are losing money due to an outdated business model. I firmly believe musicians deserve every penny they earn from their artistic endeavors. The unfortunate reality is they no longer want to earn their money. If you leave your music in the hands of record executives, you deserve to lose everything. True tycoons find new revenue streams and the Internet is completely uncharted territory. It's also the biggest and fastest distribution chain ever created. You'd think men that have made multi-million dollar careers in music would be up to the challenge.

Out Damned Spot Part VII

2008-03-23T23:28:00.000-04:00

With over 4,000 Americans dead, I saw an NBC news repport that quoted Dick (I'm as evil as Karl Rove) Cheney as saying King Georgie "bears the burden of this war more than anyone." Really! Really, Dick? If that's the case, maybe he should be a true Commander and Chief and stand on the front lines with the troops he so nonchalantly kills every day. Then, he may truly understand the burden of his war. It's insane that one man with so little sense is allowed to slaughter so many. And we continue to sit idly by (me included). Thanks for the tax incentive, though. It really pacifies me.

And now, the numbers:

American Casualties - 8,647
In Iraq (Military) - 4,001
In Iraq (Civilians) - 1,188
In Afghanistan (Military) - 484
During 9/11 - 2,974

Coalition Casualties - 307
Australia - 2
UK - 175
Bulgaria - 13
Czech - 1
Denmark - 7
Netherlands - 2
Estonia - 2
Fiji - 1
Hungary - 1
Italy - 33
Kazakhstan - 1
Korea - 1
Latvia - 3
Poland - 22
Romania - 3
El Salvador - 5
Slovakia - 4
Spain - 11
Thailand - 2
Ukraine - 18

Iraqi Casualties - 1,193,480

Twisted Wife thinks these numbers are inflated to get me more fired up about an unjust and treasonous war started by an inept President. She's probably right.

I said it before, I support the troops. I'd like to see a whole lot less of them coming home in body bags.

March Madness

2008-03-20T23:25:00.003-04:00

It is March... and I am mad.

(Ha, look micro-blogging. You know, it's all the rage... with Twitter and Facebook status. It is, after all, the future of blogging. Crap... and I obviously can't do it.)

Worth the Journey

2008-03-16T10:05:00.005-04:00

Last night it was decided that everyone is a Journey fan. Some will say they like Journey others will say they hate Journey, but all of them own Journey's Greatest Hits. C'mon, you own it... you do own it... right?

Stone in Love at Record Bar
Good thing all Kansas City's Journey fans showed up at Record Bar on Saturday night when a rare union of some of the area's top musicians blessed us with Stone in Love, a tribute to Journey. It was one of those shows where everyone got drunk, reminisced and went home to pull out their Journey collection. I know I did two out of the three.

Thankfully, I didn't need the alcohol. Despite the half-assed attempt to recreate the look, Stone in Love was dead on. They played the hits. Even from Raised on Radio, which, no matter how much Steve Perry (aka JD Warnock) protested it was an amazing album, was the lackluster step-child album from the Journey catalog. The night started with the band's namesake and progressed through the prom favorites, Faithfully and Open Arms, and ended with the apt closer Don't Stop Believin'. And it didn't matter if you were alive to remember the shitty mullets, moustaches, and spandex-tuxedo t-shirt ensembles of the 70's and 80's, Stone in Love rocked everyone in the room.

Unfortunately, there is only one more scheduled show so far... April 19th in Lawrence. Yes, I'm there.

The Ghosts Inside Davey's Uptown

2008-03-12T23:25:00.005-04:00

There are very few people I listen to when it comes to music. I am a complete snob. What goes in my ears has to be something special, not your run-of-the-mill radio schlock. In my formative years, Twisted Sister (not the band, my sister) was my main musical influence. She is four years older and like most older siblings she would turn up her stereo so the whole family was forced to listen to her collection, Elvis Costello, The Police, Adam Ant, The English Beat, Cheap Trick, Queen and so on. Then, I started playing guitar and immediately Twisted Sister was out and other musicians were in. I listened to anything and everything that anyone who ever picked up an instrument recommended. Didn't matter if you played oboe in the elementary school orchestra, I would listen to your favorite album. In college, I worked at the local rock club and had 24/7 access to live music. If it wasn't new or the best show I'd ever seen, I didn't mention it around my co-workers because they would give me the musical beat down if I was listening to something unworthy of their critical acclaim. This is where the snobbery began. Now, there are only a handful of people who can recommend a band that I might listen to. Twisted Wife, Scott, Dave, Tyson, Mark, Andy Bob, Porch and David Fricke of Rolling Stone. So, I was surprised when I took the advice of Steve from The Sneeze and started listening to Cloud Cult. Turns out, I can confidently add Steve to my list. However, I'm a bit jealous that Cloud Cult did Steve's theme song. (Yes, that is a hint to my musical friends.)

Cloud Cult: Davey's Uptown Ramblers Club
The shitty thing about Monday night shows is that Mondays generally suck. I just came off a good weekend and spent a whole day trying not to be pissed that I had to go to work all day. Then, I come home to Twisted Wife at wit's end because the Twisted Kids had decided to play Let's Scream at the Top of Our Lungs and Run in Circles all day. It's a great game and Twisted Son was in the lead when TW'd started to lose it. Needless to say, I wasn't really in the mood for a rock show. But Twisted Mother In-Law had agreed to take the kids for the night and I wasn't about to pass on that opportunity. So, TW and I packed them up and took them to their grandmother... as fast as possible.

As some of you know, TW and I have a track record of going to dinner and missing shows. After an exhilarating culinary experience at Willie Nelson's Texas Roadhouse (aka The IRS Steakhouse), we headed to Davey's Uptown Ramblers Club. It is exactly as it sounds... a crappy little brick building with a couple of beer coolers and an ample stock of well liquors. It's a typical rock club, and I am a sucker for typical rock clubs. It's a place where you either become a career alcoholic or you leave when the lights come on.

We arrived way too early for the show. TW and I have discussed this at length and have come to the firm realization that this fact alone is what makes us officially old. Fortunately, we only had to wait a half hour or so for the first band to take the stage. Enter The Belated. This is the band of a local radio personality. They weren't the worst band I'd ever seen, but they were close. The music was a bad rip off of early Live. Yes, he should stick to being a radio personality because that's the closest he will get to rock star.

The second band actually woke TW and I up. Distance to Empty was an interesting mix of soul and disco. They pulled out all the stops and had a great set that included an amazing interpretive dance number accompanying their song 14 Hours. If you get the chance and are in Kansas City, I highly recommend seeing them when they open for Blind Melon on March 25th.

Again, age reared its ugly head and TW and I struggled to stay awake. By this time, I was making deals ("Once they play Million Things, we can go") and she was making threats ("This band better be good"). With seven members, instruments and two large canvases for the paintings they create during the set and sell afterward, it took Cloud Cult a while to get set up and ready to play. Finally, we were off. They quickly thanked the crowd for coming and started into an up-and-down set that made everyone in the room stay until the ride was over. Their music runs the gambit of emotions, at times hitting you like a train and at others hugging you like your grandmother. It is utterly brilliant.

The highlight of this show was knowing that I was seeing the next Arcade Fire or Polyphonic Spree play their hearts out in a small venue with 40 other people. It's one of those shows that I will talk about with my fellow music snobs as "if you aren't listening to this band, you're musically retarded." I also made a believer out of TW, and I got to buy their new CD before it is officially released. And although I lost sleep, it was worth every lost second.

Leap Weekend

2008-03-02T12:41:00.001-05:00

I hate leap year. Really, every four years we get an extra day in February... who cares? This year I took advantage of leap year starting on a Friday and took some much-needed vacation time. Twisted Wife and I made plans to go visit my parents in Northern Arkansas. I know what you're saying, "Twisted Jim is from Arkansas? Well, that explains his love of guns, chewing tobacco, Wal-Mart and jail bait." Slow down there, Sparky! I'm not from Arkansas. My parents just retired in the lush golfing community of Bella Vista. Every year we slink down there in February to celebrate Twisted Dad's birhtday. This year we haven't been able to go because Twisted Parents have purchased a new retirement home in Houston. That's a story for a different time. Twisted Mom is still really good at guilt trips. So, we packed up the Twisted Kids and headed out for Arkansas.

I know some of you have met the Twisted Kids and think they're all sweet. But, you have been fooled. The TK's are insane little zombies that suck the intelligence and patience from my brain and turn me into one of them, wandering the streets moaning, "brains, braaiiinnnsss!" To keep them sedated during the trip, we use a device called a DVD player coupled with Disney DVDs. Peter Pan and Meet the Robinsons worked the best for this trip, but the combination always changes and TW and I must always stay sharp to keep the little monsters under control.

With TK's fully immersed in Disney's hypnotic spell, TW and I drove to the white trash Mecca. As each mile sped from windsheild to rearview, I could feel my IQ declining. Halfway through the trip, TW said to me, "When we get there, do we need to stop and get something to drink?"

"Sure," I said, "But I don't want beer. You know, I haven't been drinking as much as I used to. Maybe I'll switch to hard liquor..." From there the conversation turned to a discussion of what my signature drink would be. It was decided that orange Vodka and Sprite would be my drink of choice.

HOLD IT RIGHT HERE! orange Vodka and Sprite? Yes, this a prime example of a WTF moment. There is an explanation coming.

"So, is there anything else we need at Wal-Mart?" I asked TW. (Wal-Mart being the liquor store of choice as you cross into Benton County, Arkansas.)

"Crap, I forgot Pull-Ups and wipes!"

At that moment, it struck me. "Are you telling me I am going into Wal-Mart to buy Pull-Ups, a travel container of wipes, orange-flavored Vodka and Sprite?"

The question made TW smile, "Yes."

I sat there for a moment letting it all sink in. I knew that when I went to Colorado it took some time to get used to the altitude, when I went to Europe it took time to understand the various languages, and when I went to New York it took time to get used to people being assholes. Until that moment, I honestly never realized how fast I could get used to being white trash when I went to the South.

I looked at TW, "I'm officially Britney Spears."

Hidden Talents: A Marketing Mind

2008-02-18T23:36:00.003-05:00

When I was nine, I wanted to grow up to be a rock star. My parents were nice enough to rent me a cello and let me join the youth orchestra at my school. I was a terrible cellist. And although I am not a psychologist, I'm guessing this is because I wanted to be a ROCK star! I had never seen anyone rock the cello. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I was nine and there was a lot I hadn't seen. Then, when I was in my 20's, I wanted to be a writer. I earned my degree in Creative Writing and went straight into Marketing. You might be saying, "Wow, you have an amazing track record of not doing what you want to do, Twisted Jim." But that's not really the case. Instead, I have found my hidden talent... I see marketing in everything. This is exactly like seeing dead people or the Matrix, except I'm not a little kid and I don't look anything like Keanu Reeves.

So, now I have a career in Marketing, more specifically, CRM or Customer Relationship Management. I try to help companies have honest and relevant interactions with their customers. This is not an easy job when all the companies really want from you is your money. So, to bridge the gap, I send personalized email and junk mail, I develop relevant web sites and social network groups and I create informative text messages, fun games and useful widgets. In other words, I try to invade your life as much as possible hoping to hit the right button turning you into a zombie that buys my clients' products involuntarily. I know... I'm the devil.

Today I came across this awesome chart by my favorite research firm, eMarketer. As I looked the stats up and down like a centerfold, I noticed that this was telling me exactly who uses the Internet today. Take another look at the chart and tell me if you don't see the following:

The growing majority of people using the Internet are unemployed, devoutly religious, politically active, lesbian teens who like shopping and Perez Hilton.

See, I told you I was gifted. This is a totally untapped segment of society... and they're the majority of the people using the Internet. So if things start to change on Twistedjim.com, remember this is my new target market.

NOTE: If you are one of my clients reading this post, I can totally help you to tap into this market as well. We'll deploy Web 2.0 initiatives in the social media, interactive, gaming and mobile space to provide relevant content in their preferred channel. Buzz word, buzz word, buzz wordy, buzz word, do da, do da, day.

Conversations with a Four Year-Old: Show and Tell

2008-02-15T18:22:00.001-05:00

I learned a lot from Twisted Daughter's take on appropriate Show and Tell items.

TD: I'm taking Frisco for Show and Tell.
Me: Really, what will you tell your class about Frisco?
TD: She's a dog from Build-a-Bear Workshop that Grandma got me.
Me: Maybe you shouldn't rub it in that you have a Build-a-Bear dog. And what the Hell is Grandma doing buying a dog at a bear shop?
TD: Ha, Grandma in Hell.
Me: Ha, that is funny. But don't tell Grandma I laughed at that.
TD: Do you have Show and Tell at your work?
Me: Ha, that's almost as funny as Grandma in Hell.
TD: Well, if you do, you should take Frisco... or Grandma.

I Slept All Super F!@#$^% Week

2008-02-08T23:02:00.000-05:00

So, it's been almost a week since the Super Bowl. Honestly, I don't really care for sports, but I'm also not one of those jackasses who "roots for the commercials" either. I figure the magnitude of last Sunday has officially sunk in for everyone and I'm not killing anyone's buzz by now.

Two pretty amazing things happen on Super Bowl Sunday (not counting all the domestic violence). First, 94 million people sit down and watch a football game. And second, advertising steals the spotlight from a major sporting event. Hey, no one watches the World Series to see if Go Daddy will show Danica Patrick's tits. Regarding the game, I have one thing to say to the New York Giants... FUCK YOU! I wanted to see history last Sunday, instead I got to see a second rate team get lucky. I'm sick and fucking tired of the 1972 Dolphins thinking they're the best team ever to play the game. Way to drop the ball, again, New York.

As far as the commercials go, there was one company that blew everyone else out of the water. ETrade's baby spots were far and away the best of the bunch. I know a lot of other advertising professionals thought Budweiser's Dalmatian and Clydesdale spot was the best, but they're wrong. Everyone knows it's not your length that makes you great. Otherwise there would be no advertising professionals. (Ladies and Gentlemen, my first small dick joke of 2008. Thank you.)

King George's Farewell Tour

2008-01-29T07:37:00.000-05:00

It's official! King George has kicked off his farewell tour. And, unlike KISS, he won't be back for a second, third, fourth or fifth go 'round. Last night's first show at the Capitol was awesome. Here's my review:

King George: State of the Union
I'll admit, King George is not one of my favorite performers. But last night he pulled out all the stops. The show opened with a lot of chatter by the members of Congress. Suddenly, a man appears at the door and shouts to the Speaker, "Madam Speaker, I present the President of the United States!" And from there, the crowd went nuts. King George came down the center aisle warmly shaking hands on the right, looking like he was touching lepers on the left. It was one of the best entrances I've seen. The only thing that would have made it better was pyrotechnics. But we all know that George is a simple man and he doesn't go for the cheap thrills. By the time he got onstage, he didn't have to say anything. But instead, he ripped right into his classics.

My favorite is Iraq. He's been doing this one since 2000 and it never gets old. There's always a new twist. I think he adds a new verse every time I've seen him perform. This year it went something like, "Some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt. Al-Qaida is on the run in Iraq, and this enemy will be defeated." Sure, it was similar to last year's verse, but this year he added, "Our enemies in Iraq have been hit hard. They are not yet defeated, and we can still expect tough fighting ahead. Our objective in the coming year is to sustain and build on the gains we made in 2007, while transitioning to the next phase of our strategy." It was awesome because he was pretending there was a strategy! Talk about updating the old standards. I was blown away.

He also did some new material that I can't say I liked so much. I think it was called Blame it on Congress. It was really more of a refrain that kept coming up in his other songs. He added it to Economy, Immigration, Wire Tapping and his #1 hit No Child Left Behind. It was the same thing over and over, "Members of Congress, stop dragging your feet and pass my bills. If you don't the American people will be..." Insert poor, overrun with Mexicans, attacked by terrorists and stupid here. To be honest, it was like going to a concert where the lead singer points his microphone to the audience asking them to sing for them. It's just plain lazy! I didn't pay the scalper $80 to see the crowd sing your songs!

All in all, the show was predictable. In this case, that's not a bad thing. You know, I expected to hear the hits and that's what I got. Unfortunately, he tried to update the classics without putting any effort behind it. I hope George gets better as the tour goes on. I'll chalk last night up to opening night jitters.

Still Not Father of the Year... but

2008-01-23T23:19:00.001-05:00

When Twisted Daughter came on the scene four years ago, I can't say that I was ready to be a father. Don't get me wrong, I was prepared to learn but I don't think anyone is ever truly ready for what parenthood entails. I was 30 and I thought I should have a better handle on it than most. I found out pretty quick that wasn't the case. Now that Twisted Son has joined the fray, my comfort level with being a father has increased. But, by no means, do I feel like I'm 100% Dad. No matter what anyone says, I'm convinced all dads start out with doubts. The first and foremost being, "Will I be a good father?" Many times you end up comparing yourself to your own father, but sometimes you find out just what kind of a father you are all on your own.

I was in an all-day meeting in Chicago last week. See that's what Internet marketers do... well, some anyway. They sit down with their clients for a day's worth of meetings to ensure that there are no questions about how you will spend 2008. For me, it's ownership of the retention program, which we all know is always the step-child marketing program. When you toss in the fact that I work on the Internet elements of the retention program... well, let's just say I am the 13th child in a 20-child family. Fortunately, I love Relationship Marketing and helping clients find new ways to retain that 20% of customers that bring in 80% of their revenue. Yes, I said that with a straight face.

So, I'm sitting in the meeting and my cell phone starts ringing... er, vibrating. Prior to the meeting I remembered to turn off my Oh, Sherry ringtone. Although it rocks and generally makes everyone in the room laugh, I am of the belief that allowing your cell phone to ring while meeting with clients is extremely unprofessional. I assumed the call was from Twisted Wife, but she knew I wouldn't be able to answer. So, I let it go to voicemail. I figured I'd listen during a break and call TW if it was urgent. But the phone kept vibrating. The second vibrate was just the call going to voicemail. So, I sat there completely unphased.

The third vibrate caught me off guard. It came ten minutes after the second. I thought, "Okay, we'll be taking a break soon, it can't be that important." Ten minutes later, a fourth vibration. "She's just leaving a second message. She needs an answer to some crazy question. She can wait." Ten minutes later, a fifth vibration. "What the Hell, woman! I'm in a meeting!" Ten minutes later, a sixth vibration. And so it went for the next hour and a half, every ten minutes the phone would vibrate.

At the sixth vibration, my anger gave way to worry. What if something had happened to one of our Twisted Parents. Who was most likely to be sick? TW's Grandpa was first on the list, then Twisted Dad followed by Twisted Mother In-Law. Sorry folks, that's how you rank in health in my mind. Regardless, my mind was racing thinking of whether or not to excuse myself or just wait until the break... and the damn phone kept vibrating! My worry quickly jumped to the worst-case option. Something's happened to the Twisted Kids. I was convinced there was a lot of blood and TW was freaking out. With each vibration I would shift in my seat and I would look across the table at my boss. By the eighth ring, one of the kids was dead. My imagination was telling me to excuse myself while my common sense kept me strapped in my chair. The phone kept vibrating! By the ninth vibration, I knew my entire family had been long dead, and as soon as I could take a break I would be getting the devastating news. My stomach started to twist and my chest got tight. I looked around the table and realized no one there was going to help me. Finally, the door to the conference room opened and the catering cart came rolling in.

I was up and headed to the door before my client could say, "Let's" in "Let's take a break," or "Let's get some lunch," or whatever she was going to say. As soon as I was in the hallway, I had my phone out and was feverishly fumbling for the voicemail button. I knew I was about to receive the most horrible news. "Mr. Dayton, your son/daughter/father/mother in-law/grandfather is..." I took a quick glance at the screen and immediately stopped dead in my tracks.

1 Voicemail Message

I was about to laugh but I thought I might throw up if I did. I couldn't cry because I was about to explode. I wanted to throw the phone down the hall... but instead, I listened.

"Yo Sean. Man, I am totally hung over. I still have the keys and I'm not going to make it today, you know what I'm saying. I got the kids and I feel like shit." I could hear the kids in the background. "I'll see you tomorrow, but you ain't gonna be able to get in tonight." Beep.

I hope I never meet Sean or his friend.

Nothing to Fear but...

2008-01-18T23:35:00.001-05:00

There are a lot of things I am scared of. Generally, I sit down and write stories about my fears in a feeble attempt to make them go away. But one frightening vision has haunted me since my teens. I have never been able to write about it only because it brings out the much larger fear of everyone knowing how much of an idiot I really am.

Fortunately for me, someone has made a movie about my greatest fear. It's called Teeth. Please go see this site... it may just make one of your biggest fears go away too.

Intensive Purposes

2008-01-08T07:37:00.000-05:00

Yep, I've said it before. I've also said, "extensive purposes" and, just today, "extents and purposes." And the University of Kansas still saw fit to give me an English degree. So, instead of continuing to sound like an ass, I looked it up on the wiki. What I found was this very funny article about language from 1994. I know it's 14 years old, but it reminded me of Twisted Daughter and how she sings Hey There Delilah. According to her the song is about the brave Native American tribe, Wachitootamee.

The Evolution of a President

2008-01-06T19:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, there are a lot of you out there asking why I haven't jumped all over Mike Huckabee and his Intelligent Design beliefs. My answer, the Republicans are NOT going to win the next Presidential election. They don't have another regime like King George's waiting in the wings. Karl Rove is gone and king-makers are hard to come by. The country is pissed at the GOP and wants a change. But for shits and giggles, let's examine the Huckabee issue.

During a debate, the panel of candidates was asked who among them did not believe in Evolution. Huckabee was one of three that raised his hand. The following day the press hounded him to elaborate and this is what he had to say:

"If you want to believe that you and your family came from apes, that's fine. I'll accept that," he said. "I just don't happen to think that I did."

As for what should be taught in public schools, Huckabee said he wants "schools to acknowledge that there are views that are different than evolution."

Huckabee downplayed the role evolution should have in the election. "Is a president going to sit in the Oval Office and really make a decision on what's being taught in a third-grade class in Dubuque, Iowa, on creation or evolution?" he said. "The answer is no."

Unfortuantely, Mike, the President does need to be intelligent enough to hold the office. And disbelief in the Thoery of Evolution is the same as disbelief in the earth being round, fire being hot, the sky being blue and the grass being green. Evolution exists, and not acknowledging it as a viable scientific explanation for human existence is just plain stupid. I don't doubt the merits of your faith, or anyone's faith for that matter. But faith, God, the Bible and religion were all created by man to explain away the unknown and fear thereof, as well as set forth a set of laws for living a righteous life. Sure, science isn't perfect. But again, it is a creation of man, who we all know to be flawed. My genuine belief is that the world is too complex for any of us to explain and therefore Intelligent Design and Evolution are doing exactly what the other religious and scientific constructs have done for us as a species, explained away the ever-scary unknown.

There is a place in this world for both Evolution, a school, and Intelligent Design, a church. And that's why the smart people that we have evolved from saw fit to divide church and state. If you're gonna be my President, you need to be able to recognize this division and uphold it.

So, sorry Mike, you won't get my vote.

The Twisted Jim 2008 List of Promises... I Won't Keep

2008-01-02T18:35:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year when I tell you a whole bunch of cool stuff I plan on doing in 2008 that will never materialize. But before we look ahead, let's take a look back at 2007. Okay, pull out your pool sheets and let's see who won the FREE Twistedjim.com t-shirt...

2007 Promises
1. A new running story, Aeronausiphobia - This was started but never finished. One point.
2. The triumphant return of Story Time with Twisted Jim - Never happened.
3. Jim's New Song podcast - Again, never happened.
4. One act plays by Tyson and Jim at The Brick - Sorry, not in '07.
5. The release of The Last Alien - Ha!
6. The 2007 Bedlam City Film Festival - Alright! Two points! It wasn't much but it happened.
7. The release of Bar Codes and Bloodstains - I was awfully ambitious last year. Never happened.
8. Rock Fathers: The Musician's Guide to Living in the Wasteland - Crap! This never happened but is still a great idea.

There you have it. If you got all three points, you are better at planning than I am. There were only a few of you that entered. So, I'm guessing it's a tie for last place. Anyway, on to 2008...

2008 Promises
1. The Bedlam City Film Festival will not be back for a third year. Instead the site will be completely taken over by Bedlam City, the on-going story/art piece with installments by anyone who wants to contribute via any medium.
2. The Last Alien will be released by March.
3. Bar Codes and Bloodstains will be released later in the year.
4. Aeronausiphobia will be back.
5. The podcasting will resume... Story Time or Sunday Sermon? It's anyone's guess.
6. Rock Fathers: The Musician's Guide to Living in the Wasteland will become a reality in '08.

All this, and the return of some of your favorite features like Extreme Movie Night Reviews and Conversations with a Four Year-Old await in '08. Plus, it's an election year! That's right, you'll get to see how little I know about the candidates and politics in general. It's already shaping up to be the best Twisted year yet!

Happy Holidays

2007-12-23T19:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Twistedjim.com Readers,

I hope the 2007 Holiday Season finds you in good health and spirits. The Twisted Family has been quite busy this year.

Twisted Son has learned how to talk back and make weird faces. He has learned that throwing a fit when you don't get your way worked for Twisted Daughter, but he is seeing varied results due to his status as second child. Unfortunately for him, Twisted Wife and I have realized our mistakes with TD and decided TS must fend for himself. Currently, he has figured out picking your nose in public is a great way to get attention from your parents, and sisters can be kept at bay by biting their feet or hitting them with Hot Wheels. It really is quite a treat to watch TS at work.

From Twisted Daughter's Christmas list, I have realized she has been watching too much TV. I-Dogs, Littlest Pet Shops, iPod Nanos and Zoingo Boingos have invaded the wishes of this seemingly sweet little girl. She has also discovered my greatest pet peeve regarding children, the "what's yours is mine" syndrome. Say I buy myself a DVD. As soon as it hits the living room, it belongs to TD. The house, the cars, the food in the fridge, it's all her's. Try and argue with her and you get sucked into this whirlwind of surreal logic that Kafka couldn't have created. She is truly at a "magical" age.

Twisted Wife has been going through her first (or, possibly second) life crisis. She has fallen in love with HGTV and tried to make a business out of it. She has shaken off the shackles of her insurance background to become part Toolbelt Diva and part Ty Pennington. She's also begun feeding her creative side and building bizarre crafts for local fairs. And to top it off, she has been wrangling the children. All this and hanging out with the old ladies at the craft fairs has turned her into the 70 year-old woman I wish I would have married to begin with. The down side is, she hasn't started getting her Social Security checks. So, if you wouldn't mind stopping by the local craft fairs and buying something from her, it would help out immensely.

As for me, you know what I'm doing. I'm neglecting this site while I finish The Last Alien. I've committed to having the book on the virtual shelves in the first quarter of 2008. We'll see if Santa can help make that happen. I've asked him for some good plot tweaks for my stocking this year. Hopefully, he brings them instead of that same lump of coal I get every year. Even if the fat man doesn't pony up the goods, I will release the book in the first part of this year with the collection of short stories, Bar Codes and Bloodstains right on its heels.

You can expect some changes to Twistedjim.com in 2008 as well, including the Bedlam City Makeover. Ha, funny thing, I asked Ty Pennington to oversee the renovations. That's right, two Ty Pennington references in one post, and I didn't even mention driving drunk. GOOD MORNING TWISTEDJIM.COM!

With that, I hope you have a Happy Holiday.

xxxooo,
Twisted Jim

"Working" in Advertising

2007-12-21T18:05:00.001-05:00

At one point, the title of this post was going to be the title of my blog. Instead, I decided not to talk about work for fear that I would get fired and Twisted Kids would starve or be eaten by Twisted Wife and I. However, there are a few interesting things about working in advertising that I like to share every now and again. For instance, the holidays at an agency can vary by what you do. Most traditional agencies shut down between Christmas and New Year's to try and look cool and let the underpaid twenty-somethings feel like they are still in college. I work in Account Services, which means I deal with the clients and am hated by the Creative Department. I know it's a surprise. You're thinking, "Who could possibly hate Twisted Jim?" Well, sometimes Corporate Twisted Jim had to explain to creatives that clients like to see their logo on stuff and sometimes the client is creeped-out by dark humor. And sometimes creatives took that as stifling their creativity... which it was (and fun to watch to). Sometimes you could see the exact moment when their creativity died. Sure, it's evil, but that's advertising.

Anyway, to soothe the sting of a full year of "making the logo bigger," traditional agencies let their creatives come up with fun holiday stuff. Here are my favorites for this year, including my ex.

We Are the Toys - Grey, Vancouver
The Bad Gift Emporium - Barkley, KC
Red Christmas - Thought, UK