"No one gets out of this life without pain."
-Mary Tyler Moore
Shock
Our parents named him Sultan. He never liked it much. He thought
it sounded like a dog's name. So, over the years he slowly
became S'tan. He's always been popular with the ladies.
He's always had a girl with him when he comes to visit. He
was in the car that day. He sat in the backseat so quietly that
Lester didn't even know he was there. S'tan sat, pushed
into the corner, quiet. He never said a word, even when Lester started
yelling. I couldn't help swerving. I was getting upset, and
Lester was scaring me. My feet pushed harder into the floorboard.
I screamed and jerked the wheel. Lester screamed for me to slow
down, but it only frightened me more. I can still hear the squeal
of the front bumper and his terrified screech as I lost control.
I woke up still hearing his horrid screaming. I jumped, but couldn't
move. I'd been strapped into the bed so tightly that the nylon
straps tore into my arms when I attempted to move. Everything was
blurred. People were all standing over me trying to talk to me,
but they didn't speak English. Their mouths would open and
close sometimes, and no words would come out. It was like a badly
dubbed Japanese monster movie. I could feel the impact of the car
hitting the tree in my chest. It made it almost impossible to breathe.
I kept asking the people about Lester, but none of them would tell
me. I could hear his screaming the whole time. It rang in my head,
and echoed through my room. I asked about S'tan, but everyone
just looked at me like they didn't know what I was saying.
"Everything's going to be okay, dear. Don't try
to move, you'll hurt yourself. Just lie still," the
people all talked to me like I was a three year-old.
I could hear the squeak of the old wheelchair as it edged into
my room. I was too frightened to ask who was there. I laid there,
shaking, wondering if I would ever find out who was in my room.
The squeak fell silent as the chair pulled right up to my bed. I
still couldn't see who it was. Finally, Lester's black
hair popped into my range of view. His face flinched in pain as
he moved himself up to see if I was awake.
"Lilly, you awake?" he grunted. I could feel tears
running down the sides of my face from the relief that it was Lester,
instead of some psychotic patient loose from the nylon straps of
his bed.
"I'm awake, Lester. What happened? Why are you in a
wheelchair?" I sobbed. "Where's S'tan?"
Denial
They all stood, silently crying, over the grave. I stood next to
Marion, my oldest sister. She said nothing to me, but kept leaning
over to Lester's ear. I couldn't hear the sobs of my
brothers and sister. All I could hear was the wind as it picked
up the leaves around the cemetery and laid them on top of whoever
rested beneath. It was so cold, and every gust made it that much
colder. My fingers started to numb inside my gloves. Finally, the
sobbing started to subside, and my siblings turned from the grave.
I stayed for a moment longer, and then turned to join them. Marion
took three steps, and then fainted into Lester's arms. With
a graceful swoop, he picked up her legs and carried her the rest
of the way to the limousine.
In the car, they all sat silent, until S'tan leaned to Marion's
ear. "It's all right, dear. She's gone to a better
place."
Marion looked confused. "I don't care. I'm going
to miss her terribly, and neither of you care. She was the only
one of us that understood me, and now she's gone," Marion's
voice shook with sobs as she spoke.
She was right, I was the only one that understood her. But, I wasn't
gone. I was right here. I leaned over to her and whispered, "I'm
right here, Marion."
The cold wind of my voice made her whole body shiver, and she moved
closer to S'tan to keep warm. S'tan put his arm around
her and received her chill.
Marion sat in her room for days after the funeral. I sat in the
far corner and watched her. S'tan and Lester went to work,
as usual, and left Marion by herself with her sadness. She would
pace back and forth in her room, and then sit for hours and stare
out the window into the garden. She would remember the long walks
her and I would take through the garden, and talk about things.
She was a beautiful girl, and needed guidance on many occasions.
I was her older sister, and I was there for her. Just like I was
there for her now.
She would squint and stare out at the garden until she could see
me walking through the hedges. Then, she would jump from her seat
and yell for the two boys. "She's back! Lilly's
out in the garden! Come on!"
Lester and S'tan became less amused when she started waking
them up at all hours of the night. The truth is, though, I went
walking through the garden quite often. I would walk and try to
think of a way to get Marion out of her room. I would stand out
in the garden and motion for her to come join me. I didn't
want her to wake up our brothers. I just wanted her to get out for
a while and breathe in some fresh air. It couldn't be good
for her to stay cooped up all the time. But instead, she would yell
and scream until the boys woke up. I kept trying to motion to her
not to scream, but she did it anyway.
The boys really had no choice but to bring her here. She needed
help. The doctors here could do just that. I still sit in the corner
of Marion's room, and watch her. She tries to talk to me,
but she can't understand what I say to her. She stares out
the window and waits for me to show up every night, but I stopped
taking outdoor walks when we left the house. The staff here is very
good to my poor sister, and they don't treat her like she's
lost her mind. The boys visit twice a week, and sometimes they bring
flowers from the garden.
Anger
S'tan had a temper ever since he was little. He and Lester
fought constantly for, probably, eight years. Our parents just thought
of it as natural for two young boys to fight. But, the years past
and the fights got increasingly more violent. It all started as
wrestling, but soon gave way to bare-knuckle brawling. Lester had
no choice sometimes but to give S'tan a black eye or bloody
lip. Our parents continued to shrug it off and figured that sooner
or later S'tan would either give up or learn to fight better.
The fighting subsided for a few months, and everyone thought that
S'tan had finally learned his lesson.
The day started like any other. Lester woke up and made his way
to the kitchen for some breakfast. I woke up soon after him and
did the same. It was summer, and the three of us were all out of
school. S'tan enjoyed sleeping in, and rarely joined us for
breakfast. Sometimes, he would make it out of bed in time for lunch.
Lester looked up as I walked into the kitchen.
"What's up for today?" he asked.
"I don't know yet," I sleepily replied.
"Do you want to play a game?" his eyes brightened with
mischief.
I was still half asleep when I answered, "Sure."
Lester explained that his game couldn't start without S'tan.
So, we sat down in front of the TV until S'tan woke up. It
was very odd, but S'tan drug himself down the stairs at around
ten.
Before he could fully awaken Lester yelled, "hey S'tan,
wanna play a game today?"
His dry throat answered back, "why not? Is there anything
left for breakfast?"
Lester waited for S'tan to eat, bathe, and dress before the
game started.
"This game is called 'Escape Artist',"
Lester announced to us. "S'tan, you and I will tie up
Lilly. Then, we'll set the egg timer to ten minutes. If she
doesn't escape, we'll untie her. Then, It'll be
my turn."
S'tan and I looked at one another in amazement. We couldn't
believe that we were going to get to play such an exciting game.
We scurried to the garage and kitchen to get the necessary equipment.
Lester pulled one of the kitchen chairs into the middle of the living
room, and turned off the TV. I took my place in the chair and acted
as if I was getting mentally prepared for the world's most
amazing escape.
The two boys started wrapping and tying the ropes around me. I
could feel the ropes burning into my skin, but I was a professional
escape artist. It didn't hurt until Lester grabbed the egg
timer, turned it to ten, and I started to wrestle my way out of
the series of knots. The egg timer ticked away the minutes. I kept
trying to pull my way free, thinking I was stronger that the ropes.
Finally, the timer went off.
"Okay S'tan, it's time to let her free,"
Lester laughed. I begged him to give me more time. "You can
go again after me and S'tan go."
I turned the chair over to Lester and took my turn at tying the
strongest knots I could. S'tan turned the dial on the timer
to ten and we waited. Lester's face turned white as he concentrated
on the ropes. He closed his eyes and started to wiggle slowly in
the chair. His hands moved from their tied positions and slid towards
the other, harder knots. He slithered around like a snake in the
chair, and finally the ropes dropped to his feet. He was free in
eight minutes.
S'tan stood there, awestruck, by his older brother's
feat. Lester stood there, triumphant over his two younger siblings.
I was amazed at Lester's unique skill. He had beaten me, but
S'tan still had a chance to better his older brother.
S'tan slid quietly into the chair, and started planning his
escape. Lester looked over to me and gave me a small nod.
"When we get him tied up we'll dump him out on the
front lawn and lock the front door. Trust me, it'll be funny."
A small laugh jumped over my lips as we tied the ropes as hard
as we could around S'tan. Lester grabbed the timer and set
it to ten. And then with a wink, he and I picked up our poor younger
brother, chair and all, and carried him out to the front lawn. Lester
set him down right in the middle and started laughing. I couldn't
help myself. At the sound of my brothers laugh, I started laughing
uncontrollably. We both ran back to the front door and slammed it
shut locking it behind us. We could hear S'tan's yelling
as we laughed with our backs to the door. As soon as our laughter
would subside, a car would drive by and honk at the tied boy in
the front yard. Immediately, we would burst into laughter again.
It had been an hour since the egg timer went off when S'tan
entered the house. He acted calm, but we could both see the hatred
in his eyes. He said nothing. He just walked to the kitchen.
Lester turned towards the kitchen, "hey S'tanny, we've
been looking all over for you. Where you been?" With that,
both of us burst into a fit of laughter again.
S'tan walked back to the kitchen doorway again. He started
running at Lester. Just before he reached him, I saw the glimmer
off the butcher knife. He raised it above his head, and thrust it
down at Lester. A scream jumped out of my stomach. Lester sidestepped
and kicked S'tan's legs out from underneath him. He
landed with the knife off to his side.
As fast as he had hit the ground, he was back on his feet swinging
the knife at Lester. "For God's sake, it was a joke
S'tan."
Hope
Everyone moved around the room in complete silence. They were running
around like mom and dad the day I told them I was pregnant. The
baby added insult to injury at the time, because the baby's
father wasn't a boyfriend or stranger. I was only fifteen, and not ready
for the responsibility of motherhood.
Our cousin Sydney had come to stay with us for a few months while
he looked for a job. He wasn't having much luck, and he stayed
at home most days. He was sinking into depression. He would lay
on the couch for hours on end staring at the TV. One day he told
me that he doesn't even watch the TV, instead he watches me
and wishes that he was still young. He told me he missed the days
of no responsibility. I was very interested in Sydney. I didn't
want him to be upset anymore. So, I would sit and talk to him.
Somewhere along the way, we fell in love. He would hold me in his
arms for hours when my parents were away at work. He made me feel
beautiful and special. These were things that I had never felt before.
Of course, my parents would tell me I was beautiful, but they had
to. Sydney was the first person outside my immediate family that
I felt comfortable with. The summer was almost over, and he was
leaving in a week. I can still feel the small kiss on the cheek
he gave me, because of my parents, the day he left. He knowingly
winked at me as he pulled away.
My father called me a tramp, and that's the last word I heard
before the room went silent. I watched him yell at me as my mother
sat in the chair next to the bed and cried. I tried to explain to
them how much I loved the father of the baby, without giving Sydney
away of course. My father demanded to know, but I never told him.
Now, the room was silent again. All the nurses and doctors scurried
around as I tried to push the baby out of me. I screamed, but I
couldn't even hear that. I pushed harder and harder, and finally
I felt a huge wave of relief. It was all over and my daughter laid
in the doctor's arms. He cleared her air passage and made
sure she was breathing. The nurse wrapped the baby in a small pink
blanket and handed the girl to my mother. It was all over.
My own baby girl was to be my sister from this point on. My father
had made this decision early on after he knew about the child. He
never even came to the hospital while I was there. My mother took
pity on my situation, even though she would never cross my father,
she let me name the baby. Marion was a beautiful child. As she grew
older, I spent more and more time with her. We would walk in the
garden and talk like sisters do. She was never to be told that she
was my daughter instead of my sister, and it was probably better
for her that way. After a few years, I had almost forgotten that
she was my daughter. I know it was all for the best. I got a sister,
and she got a life I could never provide.
Depression
Lester would spend most of his days in my room after the car wreck.
He would watch me sleep, which is what I did most of the time. I
couldn't see him when I was awake unless he propped himself
up onto the side of my bed. The nylon straps kept my back in place,
or at least that's what the doctor said, but they also kept
me from seeing my brother. He would read to me for hours on end.
I never heard more than three or four pages at a time, because of
the sedatives. I would fall in and out of sleep constantly during
Lester's reading. His deep voice would lull me to sleep, and
as soon as he saw me dozing off he would raise his voice for emphasis.
I would wake up for a couple more pages and then he would do it
all again.
When he wasn't reading, he would sit and look out the window.
I wondered for the longest time why Lester wouldn't stand
over me like the doctors that came in to examine me. I could hear
the creak of the wheelchair, but I couldn't see what I'd
done to my brother. I asked him, almost daily, for three weeks what
I had done. He never answered. He just continued reading or staring
out the window, whichever he was doing at the time.
I woke up early one morning to the sound of Lester crying. He brushed
me off when I asked him what was wrong, but I could tell it was
not nothing. I started to feel responsible for Lester's sadness,
and started crying on a regular basis when I was awake. Lester tried
to keep my spirits high, but there wasn't much he could do.
I knew deep down that I was responsible for whatever had happened
to my brother, but he was not going to blame me. So, I did.
The pains in my chest started a couple of days later. The doctors
couldn't explain it. Lester pressed them for answers daily,
but to no avail. They had no answers for him. I was getting weaker.
I could barely stay awake for more than thirty minutes. My body
ached, and I couldn't help but cry when I was awake. Lester
was getting more and more impatient with the doctors, but they still
had no explanations for him.
Three days went by, and Lester hadn't come to see me. I missed
the company of my brother. It was late afternoon when I heard the
door being pushed open. I didn't hear the creak of the old
wheelchair, so I assumed it was one of the doctors. Lester's
head peered down over me. I sobbed as I looked up at him. The wheezes
and coughs came up through my chest with the sobs and I could feel
the pain scatter through my body as I closed my eyes.
Resignation
S'tan's letter sat on the chest of his bullet-riddled
body. I cradled his head and screamed for help into the summer night.
No one came for an hour, and by that time he was gone. I could feel
the blood rush out of him the whole time I was holding him. I could
feel his last breath as it wheezed through his blood-filled mouth.
He stared up at me one last time with contempt, or as if to say
it was somehow my fault. He gave me a knowing wink before he gasped
that last time.
S'tan was working at a casting agency. He would audition
people for movies, commercials, or whatever else actors do. He worked
for some big shot. S'tan would always whisper quietly to Lester
about the women he would audition. I could only hear parts of their
conversations, but I knew that S'tan did more than just audition
some of these girls. He would take them out to dinner, or set them
up in apartments. He would call them at all hours of the night.
I could hear him screaming at them over the phone. He would ask
them if they had his money mostly. Sometimes, he would have to leave
in the middle of the night to go get one of them out of trouble.
At least, that's what he would say to Lester. Lester and S'tan
never spoke about their work. They always told me they preferred
not to bring it home with them. I was always concerned when I heard
S'tan yelling at the people on the phone.
One night at dinner S'tan looked particularly unnerved. His
hands shook every time he picked up his glass of wine to drink.
Beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and raced down to his eyebrows.
Lester, finally, broke the awkward silence. "What the hell's
wrong with you S'tan?"
"I resigned today," his voice shook as he spit out
his admission.
Lester nearly choked when the words reached his ears. "You
what? Do you know what you're doing?" A small vein in
Lester's head pulsed with each word.
"Please Les, not in front of the girls," S'tan
whimpered trying to hold back the fear.
That night Lester and S'tan argued for four hours in the
den. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but I knew
Lester was awfully mad at S'tan. The next morning at breakfast
Marion and I sat as if we hadn't heard the argument.
"Your brother S'tan is going on vacation for awhile,
girls," Les sounded just like our father handing out punishments.
"I know you both will want to go on vacation with your brother,
but you can't. He has to go away and be alone for awhile.
Do you both understand?"
Both of us nodded our heads and went right back to eating our breakfasts.
Neither of us wanted to upset Lester any further.
After breakfast, S'tan went to his room to start packing.
I followed him to find out where he was going, but when I reached
the door I could hear him inside weeping as he packed. I decided
to wait until he was finished before attacking him with questions.
He stayed in his room all day.
Finally, in the middle of the night his door slid open. I was still
awake, and still curious about where my brother was going. I opened
my door and followed him downstairs. He hurried out the front door.
He threw his bag into the trunk of his car and turned to head back
towards the house. I waited by the front window.
A car was parked in front of the house across the street. A short
man stepped from the driver's side and started across the
street toward S'tan. He could hear the footsteps behind him,
because he turned to face the man right as the man's gun fired
repeatedly into his chest. I could see S'tan fall to the ground
in a huge puddle of his own blood. An inaudible scream jumped from
my throat as the man jumped back into his car and sped away.
Acceptance
Marion sits in her wheelchair and stares out at the thunderstorms.
For the last three years, doctors and nurses have come and gone
from her room none of them saying a word to her, and her never saying
a word to them. Some of the nurses reported seeing her writing on
the tables with her finger at dinner. She would stare at her food
and write long, invisible volumes on the table until her finger
would start to bleed.
One of the other patients, Lester, would read the long stories
about Marion's family. He would tell about her sister-mother,
her corrupt brothers, and her careless parents. None of the staff
knew if the stories were a figment of Lester's or Marion's
imagination. Lester told the nurses that Marion talked to him, and
even though she did have the ability to talk, most of the nurses
doubted it. Lester would sit with Marion for hours staring at the
garden. She would lean over to his ear, occasionally, but the nurses
paid no attention to it, thinking that Lester was moving her. So,
she sits.
I miss Marion. I miss our long talks in the garden. I know that
she can't see me anymore. I've sat in the garden too
many nights beckoning her to come out and talk. She never came,
instead she just sat at the window. She stared straight at me most
of the time. I know she could see me, but was just scared of telling
anyone. Look where it had gotten her already. I stood over her as
she talked to Lester. She told him stories that I didn't even
know about her. She talked about a family that she never had, and
made up wild stories to keep Lester interested.
Lester was old, and he missed the excitement of living outside
in the real world. So, the two became very close. Most people thought
Lester was losing his mind in his old age, and maybe he was. Marion,
on the other hand had already lost hers. So, she made Lester look
crazy by not talking to anyone but him. She was afraid of talking
to anyone but Lester. He didn't laugh when she couldn't
remember things. One thing she could remember is that there was
a time when she never forgot. So, she sits with the dreams and stories...and
Lester. |
